P&J Column 16.7.15


Surely if anyone could manage a quick gear change, it’d be Lewis Hamilton?

Tanya Soutar, Local lifestyle guru

I dinna ken about yous, but turning up to a social engagement dressed inappropriately is my worst nightmare. And I’m nae jist spikkin aboot the “skirt up tae here, neckline doon tae there” kind of inappropriate, neither. Strict dress codes is getting mair and mair common these days and, as Lewis Hamilton found oot at Wimbledon, it can end up in embarrassment if ye dinna stick tae them. So, to avoid you lookin like a prize plum in a hat, like fit he did, here’s Tanya’s top tips fer fitting in.

First of aa, fan ye get an invitation tae a high-faluting event, ye’ll usually get some instructions on fit yer meant tae weer. Tanya’s top tip is tae actually open it up and read those instructions. Dinna jist tak a photo of the posh wee booklet and stick it on Instagram.

Secondly, ye need tae understand fit aa the different dress codes actually mean. My ex, Dykers, wis ayewiz getting caught oot wi’ that. For example, “Smart casual” disnae mean showing up dressed for a fight at the fitba. And jist because ye slob aboot on the living-room sofa in a Minions onesie, that disnae mak it a ‘lounge suit’. That wis embarrassing, at Auntie Doreen’s fruneal.

Lastly, if ye dae get caught oot and arrive at a function underdressed, ye hiv tae be able tae improvise. Dykers wis brilliant at it. One night, fan the casino widnae let him in cos of his ripped jeans, he went ootside, lamped a boy aboot the same size as him, and nicked his breeks. Even better, there wis £50 in his back pooch, which Dykers turned intae £200 playing blackjack! It’s a shame Lewis Hamilton didnae improvise like that at on Sunday. Surely he could have nipped oot and picked up a jacket and tie fae the Wimbledon branch o’ Primark? Or if they was shut, he could have followed Dykers’s example and stuck the heid on Cliff Richard.

Cosmo Ludovic Fawkes-Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

Well, well, well. It has not taken the SNP long to bare their fangs by blocking the Government’s attempts to liberalise the law on fox-hunting. Really, people shouldn’t interfere in things they do not fully understand. They are destructive vermin who need to be eradicated. And the same could be said of the foxes.

The Nationalists have shown their political naivety here. What on earth do they think they’re doing, announcing their intention to vote down legislation that they oppose? Do they imagine that they were elected to exert influence? It makes you long for bygone days. My illustrious forebear, the 8th Earl, entered Parliament in 1820 and didn’t cast a vote until 1844, when he ran through the Aye lobby having mistaken the division bell for last orders. You just wouldn’t get that kind of deep and profound commitment to laissez-faire politics from the present crop of oiks.

One had hoped that the fox hunting law would herald the dawn of a new era of progressive Toryism, and that it would be followed by other sensible, pragmatic measures to re-engage with the values that made Britain great – the abolition of the minimum wage, the repeal of the Representation of the People Acts, and the re-introduction of the Feudal System. But oh no. Instead we seem to be edging ever closer to an equality based consultative democracy. I, for one, despair.

Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips

Fit a hairt-warmin’ story I seen the other day aboot Lucia Baratta, the American bride fa arrived in Orkney for her big day only to find that her wedding dress hid been lost in transit. The folk o’ the islands rallied round, wi’ 12 offers o’ dresses in her size, as weel as petticoats, veils, tiaras, sweeties and aa sorts. A wonderful story. I thocht that community spirit wiz deid, but nae in Orkney!

It is wi’ that thought in mind that I should let the paper’s Orcadian readers ken that the ither day, I lost my kilt on the bus on the wye hame fae the dry cleaners. It’s particularly upsetting, as I hid been hoping to weer it at my pal Mick the Pill’s forthcoming re-enactment of the Battle of Harlaw. My waist size is 30, 32, 34, 36, and 38 inches. Mick wiz also planning to video the event but has neither a video camera to record it wi’, nor large-screen telly to watch it on. Onything fae 42 inches up wid be fine.