P&J Column 16.11.17

Let’s go to the movies, in glorious MeikleWartleVision

View from the Midden with Jock Alexander

It’s been a cinematographical wik in the village.   We’ve been keeping on top of a’ the tawdry travails that hid beset Hollywood in recent wiks. And though mony of us have expressed surprise that that kind of thing has been rife in a wee village near Dumfries, we have nae been put aff wir love of watching films. Iver since 1897 fan the Meikle Wartle Majestic kinetoscope emporium wiz set up in the back of the village piggery by Skittery Wullie’s easily distracted  grandfaither, – Scuttery Billy – the village has loved good cinema. We’ve nivver had a good een, but we were ayewiz keen. So you can imagine wir excitement tae read in the news that Cineworld in Aiberdeen is in the process of installing a 4DX cinema, only the second of its kind in the hale of Scotland.  And fit a great wheeze by the boffins it is too! Noo that 3D is passe, fresh gimmickry resurrected fae the 1950s is needed tae keep fowk aff their Xphones and iBoxes and coming in tae the picters. So, they hiv technology fit’ll allow film screenings tae be enhanced wi’ live special effects, like seat vibrations, gusts of air and sprays of watter. If you ask me, they’ll also need some extra big popcorn buckets for fan the motion sickness kicks in, but fa am I tae knock technological progress? And fit’s good enough for the big city is of course worth ripping aff here in the village.  With this in mind, we are proof tar say that wir brand new village cinema is noo open, round the back of Feel Moira’s house. roll up, roll up and see a’ the latest films in glorious MeiklewartleVision. Of course, as it’s open air, in a field, in mid-November, in Aiberdeenshire, nae a’ yer senses will be working at full pelt, so we’ve cranked up the effects the compensate. Moira has done an affa thorough job an a’ – she has cannibalised  her 16 roostiest Massey Fergusons and welded them thegither intae 4 rows of 4; hey presto! Fan ye switch on the engines  – shoogly seats. Screen  size is important, and oors is the size o’ the side o’ a barn. For obvious reasons. It is situated within sniffing distance of the sewage works and Moira’s kitchen. That, combined wi’ the typical Meikle Wartle micro-climate, mair than taks care of a’ yer ither senses.  It’s a highly evocative combination, jist as lang as a’ the movies ye come tae see involve yella fog, sleet, and the aroma of unidentifiable meat. Cheerio!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s knocked out a few household names.

The last few days in the footballing world has seen a lot of emulsion.  The World Cup playoffs has seen entire nations experience the agony and elasticity that only the beautiful game can provide.  There was heartbreak for both parts of the Emerald City Isle, with Northern Ireland going out to Switzerland and the other bit of Ireland getting stuffed by Denmark.

Now he’s out of a job, I watched the Northern Ireland game with my old team mate Gordon Strachan.  When we sat down with a tinny, just before kick off, I says to Gordo, I says “Who are you supporting Gogs?” And he says to me, he says, “Switzerland – ’cause I’m neutral!” then he started laughing.  I guess all that time off is going to his head.

That was never a pen, though, in the first leg. If that ref had given a pen against me for something like that, I think I might have stuck the head on him.  Strach says to me, he says “I think you might have done something worse, Kenny.  You might have lost your temper!”  like a lot of people, I don’t get his sense humour, but he’s hilarious, is Gordo.

Ireland joined their neighbours on the international football scrapheap challenge when they got turned over by the Great Danes, but there was no doubting the biggest shocker of the playoffs, when Italy was sent crashing out of the World Cup by the Swedenese. A World Cup without Italy is like an international buffet without pizza, and I felt sorrow for them, especially goalie Gianluigi Buffoon, who retired with a tear in his eyes straight after the match.  And when I look back over these results and think of a World Cup without Italy, Holland, Greece, Ireland, Wales and Northern Ireland, it helped me put things into periscope: maybe being a Scotland fan isn’t so bad after all.

See the best of the Flying Pigs live in ‘Now That’s What I Call Methlick!’ At HMT June 2018. Tickets available now. A rare Christmas present for onyb’dy ye like. Or even onyb’dy ye dinna like.