P&J Column 15.2.18

Do Ice-skaters ever wonder if their career is slipping away?

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who knows his bunions 

Piles of snow, freezing conditions, biting wind… Inverurie can be a brutal in February, so I’ve gone and gotten myself hooked on that Winter Olympics that’s on the telly just now.  And I tell you, the weather over there in South Korea isn’t much better!  The wind his been even worse than what comes out of Kris Boyd’s lips when he has a go at being a TV punnet.  There’s been all sorts of problems with skiers and snowboarders getting blown off course.  That must have been what was wrong when I had a dibble with snowboarding down at the dry stane slope at Kaimhill.  I felled over more times than my old football opponents did when I kicked lumps out of them, but if the pros can blame the elementals, so can old Kenny.

I felt dead sorrow for Scottish quine Elise Christie in the speed skating.  She got wiped out on the last lap and missed out on a medal, and she was incontrollable afterwards.  Mind you, I felt even worser for the South Korean skater who thought she’d got silver only to get the dunt for pushing an opponent.  It must have been difficult for the judges to make that call, but pushing people needs punished because it’s dangerous.  That ice was so slippery – it was like a skating rink.

There’s some right funny events at the winter Olympics.  The luge just minds me o the time I once seen a drunk mannie tripping when he tried to take a tray of drinks upstairs in the Hogshead.  I’ve not the skeleton bob yet, but it sounds like it either involves shoving a long-dead mannie on a sledge and sending him downhill or ducking for bones instead of apples.  Either way, it’s nae sport like what I ken it.  Mind you, the curling is always a good bet for a British medal.  It’s a cracking sport, the curling.  It combines the drama of bowling with the excitement of furious paced housework.  I once gave curling a go when I was playing for the Dons.  It was one of Fergie’s steam building activities.  I was playing in a team with Doug Rougvie, Stewpot Kennedy and John McMaster and we kept mucking around and having a laugh.  The gaffer seen us larking about and shouts out, he shouts “hoi, less of the nonsense Kenny – yous are skating on thin ice!” Which is a bit stupid if you ask me.  8 lads and 8 massive curling stones on thin ice is surely a recipe for disaster.

VIEW FROM THE MIDDEN – Rural affairs with MTV (Meikle Wartle Television) presenter, JOCK ALEXANDER. 

It’s been an acroamatic wik in the village. In fact I’d ging as far as to say it has been recondite and cabalistic an’ a. Or I wid dae if I kent fit those words meant. I’ve seen them a’ in connection wi the topic I’m explorin’ this wik, so your guess is as good as mine. Ye see, I stumbled upon an advert in the national press in which the United Grand Lodge of England complained aboot their members being discriminated against and stigmatised. Noo Skittery Wullie was sat by me on the bar stools fan I read oot this ad, and he wiz outraged aboot this. He wiz yarkin on at great length aboot how he had a great respect for a’ god’s creatures, and if they wanted jobs, fit wye should beavers lose oot, even if they *were* English. I had then to explain tae him that this wisnae aminals in this Lodge, but freemasons. He then skailt his dram and knocked ower his Scumpi fries in excitement at the thought that there were masons oot there that could patch up the crumblin’ stone wa’s of his pig-shed for free.  I then moved tae a different bar stool. 

But it set me ponderin’ on this topic, and I came tae the conclusion that masons is like MPs or cooncillors – ab’dy has heard of them, maist folk complain that they’re up tae somethin’,  but naeb’dy has ony idea fit it is they actually dae. Even so, it is affa sad tae hear they they feel they’re being unfairly discriminated against.  Although that’s also quite tricky, given that naeb’dy kens fa they are in the first place. Noo I’ve heard it said that being a mason is maistly aboot big lunches, being secretive, engagin in arcane practices and haein a affa funny handshake, which jist sounds like Feel Moira to me. Noo I ken she’s nae an obvious candidate for an all-male secret society, but let’s face it she does pass as male in dim light, so chances are she’s the ideal een tae ask about this hale topic. I think I shall jist awa and roll up one trouser leg and borrow Skittery Willie’s billy goat afore popping by her hoose, and see fit she’s sayin’. Although if she’s got her apron on and mutterin’ in Latin again, I may jist keep gan hame without stopping. Cheerio!