P&J Column 15.10.15

Torry Tank

Why the fuss? It’s hardly the first time someone’s been tanked up in Torry.

View from the midden; rural affairs with Jock Alexander

Weel, it’s been an ironclad wik in the village. Some of you micht have seen that a great muckle tank wis spotted trundling up Wellington Road in the distant royal burgh of Torry. Noo, if onybody had looked closely at the driver, they would have seen a muscle-bound thick-set figure, wi a lantern jaw and eyes close-set in concentration, nae unlike Sly Stallone in his pomp, chawin’ on a massive cigar. At’s richt, it wis naen ither than Feel Moira taking her new run-aboot for a spin. It truly is amazing fit ye can find on Gumtree. She’s delighted wi the purchase; the caterpillar tracks are ideal for the rough terrain aroon aboot Meikle Wartle, and the 30mm L21A1 Cannon comes in real handy for clearing a path through the roadworks at Oldmeldrum.

As regular readers will ken, Moira is nithin if nae public spirited, hence her descision tae drive her newly acquired mobile artillery doon tae the Red Road flats in Glasgow tae help the City Cooncil there “finish aff the job proper”. Nae doot she’ll mak a helluva mess, but at least she winna be the only een. Cheerio!

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands Most Eligible Bachelor

Jimmy wiz shocked, stunned and saddened to see that Playboy is to drop nuddy women. At first, I picked it up wrang. I thought the plan wiz to drop them delicately onto a feather-bed to observe the effects of gravity on the female form, and tak mucky pictures o’ the result. But no! It turns oot they’re going to stop publishing pictures of wifies in the buff. Well, Jimmy canna get his heid roon that ava. Playboy withoot nudes is like the sky withoot stars, Morecombe withoot Wise, or a Pittodrie pie withoot meat. Actually, scratch that last een.

Playboy’s editor reckons that wi a’ the nudity available free on the Internet, they should ditch bare skuddy nakedness and sell an aspirational lifestyle message instead. Well I’m sorry to disappoint him, but the lifestyle the average Playboy reader aspires to involves hinging oot at the Playboy mansion surrounded by gorgeous dolly-birds, and let me tell you, we do not aspire to have them standing roon in their duffle-coats.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the sports columnist who’s still in a job despite disappointing results

What a week it’s been for Niall McGinn. Not only has he seen his international team, Northern Iceland, qualify for the finals of the Euros, but he has also won the Ladbrokes Player of the Month. That puts him one up on me. I never managed to not do neither of them things. Mind you, I have won a few off Ladbrokes, in my time, including the 5-horse accumulator what paid for my Jag. I is really chuffed for Niall, who is a great lad and has been pure stalagmite up front for the Dons this season. He scored or was involved in every goal the Dandies scored last month. I can claim a similar stake about January 1992 when I was playing for Longside, because that particular month we was mince and only scored the one. I remember it like it was yesterday, the corner come over, up went the heads and I bulleted it past the goalie. It was our goalie, admittedly, but still, I fair showed the boys where the net was.

I wouldn’t not swap the career I had for no-one’s, but last weekend, watching our rugby team win that 69 point thriller against the Samosas, I did wish that I’d had the chance to resent my country. I must admit I feel a prang of jealously for McGinn playing at a major finals. The closest I got was Mexico 86. I was in great form with Inverurie Locos at the time, halfing strikers for fun and elbowing folk off the ball without getting caught like you wouldn’t believe. I think if Big Jock had still been manager I would have been on the plane. But of course Jock was tragically taken from us and Fergie took over. Me and him hadn’t not spoke since I left Pittodrie near the start of his rain. Even so, I hoped we could bury the hat-stand and let Bygraves be Bygraves, but he picked Stevie Nicol instead. When I next seen Fergie I couldn’t not let it lie. I says to him, I says, “What’s he got that I haven’t?” “Three first division titles and a European Cup.” he says. And that’s football.

See us live next year in ‘Dreich Encounter’ at HMT Aberdeen