P&J Column 14.5.15

Democracy: delivering the government most folk didn’t want since 1707

Struan Metcalfe, Conservative MSP for Aberdeenshire North

Well, put me in a head lock and call me Douglas Alexander, what a result! Super Dave back at Number 10, an overall majority in the house, and Alex Salmond has to spend the next five years at Westminster, he’s going to hate that!

I expected that we’d win more seats than Labour, but not that the Red Menace would suffer a full blown Jockocalypse! The total annihilation of the whinging Lib Phlegms was election cat-nip. But the icing on the cake came when not only Knickerless Clegg, but Red Ed both did the decent thing and committed political Hari Kiri on the same day. In fact, until Farage un-resigned, the Tories were the only party in the country NOT being lead by a girlie. (Yikes!) I think that tells us something very important.

As soon as I saw the exit poll I was straight down to the Turriff Conservative Club (membership is very exclusive) in all my finery; plus-fours, Blue Rosette, Maggie Thatcher Mask. I may have got a little bit carried away with the Krug and jaeger-bombs because we started a drinking game which involved removing an item of clothing whenever anybody won a seat from Labour.

So I do need to apologise unreservedly to Banff & Buchan Constabularly who picked me up on my way home at 6 am, quite tired & emotional. By that point the only thing protecting my dignity was my blue rosette, and I don’t think PCs Kinnear and Mearns appreciated my singing. Perhaps “Blue Moon” wasn’t the best song choice. LOL!

Davinia Smythe-Barratt, Ordinary Mum

What a dreadful week for the Smythe-Barratt household. We had high hopes that the electorate would oust those beastly Tories! But sadly we are condemned to five more years of austerity. That’s a nightmare, as I said to ‘the girls’ at our weekly prosecco ‘n’ spa day.

If Ed Miliband had got in, he would have abolished ‘non-dom’ tax status, and that would have made a massive difference. There’s something truly tragic about an ordinary mum who’s separated from her ordinary husband because he chooses to aggressively avoid paying corporation, income and capital gains tax. I’m beginning to wonder if Milo will ever be able to set foot in the UK again.

But the biggest shadow hanging over us is the in-out EU referendum. In one fell swoop the anti-immigration brigade could isolate the UK from our nearest neighbours and stop the free movement of EU citizens to our shores. That would be awful, we simply could not replace our au pair, Snezanna (she’s Bulgarian, but she’s marvellous). Because if we employ a UK national, we’ll have to pay minimum wage.

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman

Try as we might to put a brave face on it, last week’s result has left we in the Labour movement more bruised than 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. All my jibes about Alex Salmond being a “political heavyweight” have come home to roost, and it would be churlish not to congratulate the SNP on their success. Still, it is disappointing to see that petty political hostilities have resumed so soon after the result, with the SNP wasting no time in suggesting that the policies of Aberdeen’s Labour Council had an influence on our prospective MPs’ political fate. Well, hardly. The swing to the SNP in Aberdeen was in line with that across the rest of the country. It would be pushing it to suggest that Marischal Square caused a haemorrhage of votes in Dunfermline East. I think we should look elsewhere for scaegoats – I mean, explanations. While I – of course – remain full square behind Jim Murphy, I would venture to suggest that selecting a leader who looks like Skeletor and sounds like a talking action-man that needs new batteries might have been counterproductive. But perhaps my view – like the new political map of Scotland – is jaundiced.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit for hard working families

I have never been a follower of polytechnics, but I couldn’t help but smile when UKIP refused to accept the resignation of their fingerhead, Nigel Garage. It minded me on a similar moment in my short lived career as a manager. When I was in charge of Forres we had a string of bad results and speculisation about my future was ripe. To spare the board’s brushes I goes to them and offers my resignation. ‘We’re sorry Kenny’ the Chairman says to me, he says, ‘we can’t accept your resignation’. ‘How?’ I asks. ‘Because you’re sacked’ he says.