P&J Column 14.4.16


“Ask not what Meikle Wartle can do for you, ask what you can do for Meikle Wartle”

 View from the Midden – Rural affairs with Jock Alexander.

It has been a gubernatorial wik in the village. The parish Cooncil elections are looming, and files I hiv previously shied awa fae the glare o’ the political spotlight on accoont o’ my complex personal finances (10% aff for cashers, homers a speciality) it turns oot that disnae matter ony mair. In fact, according tae Weelum Hague, it’s important for oor democracy that a good number of oor elected officials are rogues, swicks and chuncers. Hence my decision tae stand as Chairman. This decision has taken bravery, tenacity, and aboot 12 pints, efter which it seemed an affa good idea. It is time noo tae make my policies clear. As apparently I wisnae makin o’er muckle sense last nicht fan I clambered onto that table in the pub and sterted shoutin’. Luckily, Feel Moira took some notes on the back o’ a beer mat and I can just aboot mak oot the text of my election address.

“Naen o’ the ither mannies standin’ for Chairman are ony use. They’re terrible. Especially wheezy Jim Middleton, ’cause he’s low-energy. On account o’ his emphysema.”

“I’m going to mak Meiklewartle great again, like it wiz in the good aul days. Before electricity, and the smallpox vaccine.”

“Inabootcomers tae the village are terrible. I’m gaan tae ban them a’, and I will build a great dry steen dyke to keep them oot. And mak Rothienorman pay for it!”

“In conclusion, if you dinna agree with me, you are a gype. I’m ready for the challenge. I’m probably the readiest oot o’ ab’dy tae be the Chairman ‘cause, you ken, I’m real swak. “

Nae exactly the Gettysburg Address, I’ll admit.

Ach weel, I suppose ‘at’s jist the sort o’ political platform you wid expect fae a drunk mannie fa’s jist shouting oot the first thing that comes intae his heid!


Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips

Aiberdeen Airport his increased their drop-off charge fae £1 tae £2. Normally I wid be up in arms aboot a cynical rip-aff move lik ‘at; but, they hiv also extended the time tae 15 minutes, which gies ye an opportunity tae extract a bit o’ value oot o that extra quid.

First, get yersel a buckshee chauffeur’s uniform. I found my aul school blazer and a peaked hat fae the bairn’s dressing–up box did the trick. Then, fan ye get intae the terminal, pull oot your little wee board wi’ someb’dy’s name written on it. I ging fer “Smith” for a London flight or “Johansen” for the Stavanger een. Sooner or later, some oil executive’ll rock up, chuffed that he’s getting a limo.

Oot tae the car, drap him off at the Marcliffe, hud oot yer haun fer a tip, and bob’s yer mither’s brither. I wis £80 up this wik! Until this morning, fan I picked up that chuncer fa’s hotel wis in Inverness!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose wife had a fiver on ‘Rule The World’ at 33-1 because she loves Take That and wont let him hear the end of it.

Football is, of course, a funny old game, Saint. But there was some extremely conical going ons at Dundee United this week. Their player Gavin Gunning took the huff on Saturday against Inverness, grabbed the ball and sat down on the pitch until he got subbed. Then he marched off into the dressing rooms giving the fans some onion bahji on the way. Talk about spitting your toys out of your pram. He got sacked on Monday, and I reckon he should try and sign for Falkirk. Since their nickname is ‘The Bairns’, he’d fit right in.

I felt sorrow for Amercian golfer Jordan Speith on Sunday night. He looked like he was home and dry at the Masters before he hit the ball in the water. To make matters worse, he hut it in the water again and ended up getting a 7 on a par 3. With that one disastrous hole he managed to snatch his feet from the jowls of victory. Melody was watching with me and I says to her, I says “I’m glad I never choked when I was playing”. Melody splootered her cup of tea and says to me, she says “Don’t you remember that time with the young lad that played up front for Formartine?” And I have to say, she wasn’t not wrong. I did choke that one lad.

See The Flying Pigs Live in ‘Dreich Encounter’ at HMT Aberdeen from June 2nd to 11th