P&J Column 14.12.17

Derek offering me a helping hand that time I got lost on the way to the corporate hostility suite at Celtic Park. Melody won’t let me wear that coat no more. She says it makes me look like I’m in a Beatles tribute.

Dons legend praises McInnes’s ‘Total concomitant’ to the club.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s got the right mentality for punditing football.

What a turnip for the books! Like all Dons fans, I was delighted with the gaffer deciding to turn down the The Rangers advances, show his total concomitant to the club and remain in the Pittodrie Hotpoint. I’d already assigned myself to the fact that he was on his way to Ibrox, but I could not be happier that he is not not happier here than how happy he would of been there.

After Sunderland in the summer, it’s the second time that Degsy‘s manageriatric skills has attracted the attention of the big boys. And while we all want Derek to stay, we have to take the interest in him as a compliment, because let’s face it, not every Don has been as lucky as what I was, to spend my entire Aberdeen career under the seaward ship of Fergie (1 start, 3 appearances from the bench: 2 reds and a yellow). I don’t remember no big clubs making a swoop for Ian Portaloo.

The Gers board never took the news too well though. They put out a statement that they are glad McInnes turned his nose up despite their faces. They reckon that if he didn’t bite their foots off, it means that he wouldn’t have been no good at the job. But that doesn’t make no sense to me at all. There’s plenty of people who are the dogs Botox at doing things they don’t want to do. Look at Ally McCoist. He doesn’t want to be a gardener but he must be the top one in Scotland by now.

View from the midden; rural affairs with Jock Alexander of MTV (Meiklewartle Television)

It has been an intumescent wik in the village. Wi’ big cities like Aiberdeen subject tae the unfortunate effects of a penny-pinching local authority, it is up tae those of us in the ‘Shire (wi’ nae authority, local or itherwise) tae keep cultural activities ga’an. (Actually, here in the village the phrase ‘local authority’ is verra much synonymous wi’ Feel Moira telling the rest o’ us fit tae dae files folding her ham-like fore-airms aneth her gargantuan bosoms.)

So we in Meiklewartle are determined tae ensure that visitors to the area find good reasons tae visit, stay and spend a’ their cash oot here; which means keeping them interested, entertained, and maist importantly, moving aboot a lot so they dinna freeze solid. For it is a truth lang kent in Meiklewartle that stranger winna open his wallet efter frostbite has set in.  With this in mind, we were affa excited tae read aboot the inflatable bouncy castle style assault course fit is gan tae be held at Castle Fraser. We were even mair excited fan we realised, despite the story being a’ o’er the local press and social media last wik, they’re nae actually ha’eing the thing until next September.  That of course gi’es us a rare opportunity tae strike files the sharn is hot, nick the idea and pit on oor ain version.

Not I ken fit year thinking, how did we in Meiklewartle get access tae the required vast amounts of inflatable material? Well, all I can say is that a’ the tractors in the village are currently up on bricks, Skittery Wullie’s extensive collection of auld pig bladders has finally been pit to good use, and if ye pop intae Lilly Grant’s chemist shop for something for the wikend, ye’ve nae chunce. I tell ye, stitching a’ that lot thegither was nae a fun job. But onywye, the hale thing is noo up and shoogling aboot a’ roon the village square, and will be open tae anybody that fancies an inflatable ninja warrior- style assault course that smells a bittie lik past its date bacon. And it’s a’ready proving verra popular. Certainly, ab’dy that stotts on tae it fan they tummle oot of the village pub canna get round it quick enough.

Though I hiv tae say blawing it up wis a sair fecht. It wid nae doot hiv been easier in the summer time, fan yer breath widna hiv immediately frozen on contact wi’ the air. However, I am a man of rare ingenuity, and solved the issue by utilising the natural talents of my ain coos. They blew up the entire structure in nae time, wi’ plenty hot air of their ain. I winna detail the precise methodolgy used for commercial reasons – I widna wint tae pit folk aff, but suffice tae say we will need tae tak great care tae avoid punctures.  Cheerio!

See the Flying Pigs live at HMT Aberdeen in ‘Now That’s What I Call Methlick!‘ June 2018. Tickets available now.