P&J Column 12.11.15


WADA shocker for the Russians

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the sports columnist who’s sample is always clean.

I is sad to say that once again, the world of sport has been plunged into a sandal. The World Anti-Doping Agency has made alligators about the Russian’s cheating at athletics, and they reckon that the corruption goes right the way to the tip of the iceberg. They is talking about banning Russia from sport, but isn’t that stabling the horses bolt after the door is already shut? Let’s be honest, this has not come as a surprise to no-one. When I seen the Russians was in the frame, I had de ja vu all over again. After all, we all seen what they got up to with Ivan Drago in ‘Rocky IV’.

All this doping business is so complicated that I’m glad I’m not competing at the top level no more. These days, after they’ve done their stuff, athletes have to report to the WADA and provide two samples. In my day, after a match, I used to report to the Masada and go through a similar procedure after 2 pints and 4 whisky chasers.

When I seen this week that US Soccer has banned kids from heading the ball, I couldn’t believe my ears. Mental! Apparently they is doing it so the kids won’t clash heads and suffer from percussion. If you ask me, that is madness gone politically correct. Over the years I has headed more balls than you could throw a hot dinner at, and I got knocked out a few fair times as well, but it never did not do my brain no harm.

Professor Hector J Schlenk, Senior Research Fellow at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science

As a scientist, I am often asked the big questions, such as “Does the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics logically mean the ultimate heat death of the universe?” and “Do I have to really have to pay taxes?”. To both of which the answers are, of course “1) Yes, it’s inescapable”, and “2) See 1), unless you’re very, very rich”

But people are bound to have questions if they continue to get their scientific information from television. Take, for example, John Lewis’ “Christmas advert”. Now, Mr Lewis may be an excellent fellow and a proficient shopkeeper, but in matters of science he is an ignoramus, for this documentary manages to pack more inaccuracies into its short running time than Brian Cox managed in 3 series of ‘Wonders of the Universe’ (for my money it was all downhill for him after his appearance in the X-Men films).

For a start, a telescope sufficiently powerful to zoom in on a close-up of a human eye from the moon, (a distance of 384,400 kilometres) would rival the Hubble, and retail at £5.85 billion. In addition, we must take delivery into account. Balloons, though charming, could not idependently escape the Earth’s atmosphere, and even an unmanned moon-shot, by one of the less reputable space agencies, couldn’t be launched for less than £150 million. This would make the total cost of the gift £6 billion; which is beyond the purchasing power of even a John Lewis customer, never mind the pocket money of an 8 year old girl, (particularly after she has blown her savings on a frankly superfluous supply of helium balloons).

But, perhaps more importantly, viewers should be aware that is impossible to survive to pensionable age in a complete vacuum; as I recently came perilously close to proving when I accidentally got my head stuck in a goldfish bowl.

Shelley Shingles, Showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983

OMG! It’s one of my fave weeks of the year, with the announcement of the ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ lineup. It’s always totes delish to see which retired sportsmen, unknown pop acts, lads-mag cover stars and out of work TV presenters are set to be screaming, cowking, and being passive aggressive to each other in the jungle.

But for me, the biggest star this year is one of my all-time favourite hunks, Tony Hadley!  Of course, me and Tony go way back. I met him backstage at a Spandau Ballet gig in Glasgow in 1983, when I was a spokesmodel for Cremola Foam (Which the Spandau boys always put on their rider) . They’d just finished “True” when Tony came running into the wings and grabbed me by the shoulders, looked deep into my eyes and said “Where’s the toilet, love? My back teeth are floating!”

Wise words from a true gent.