P&J Column 11.8.16

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - AUGUST 04: Tom Daley and Dan Goodfellow of Great Britain in action during a training session at the Maria Lenk Aquatics Centre in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil on August 4, 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images)

Synchro diving – what a spectacle! And that’s just the dookers. 

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands most eligible bachelor

Jimmy hisnae left the hoose for 5 days. He’s been waiting for this for the last 4 year and he isnae wasting time scutterin’ aroon Woodside in the rain fan he could be curled up on the couch, cheese ‘n’ chive Pringles generally scattered aboot his person, watchin’ the Olympics.

As folk ken, Jimmy is a great admirer o’ the female form, and fit better subscription-free wye is there tae admire the fittest examples on the planet? In some events the competitors’ kit disnae leave much tae the imagination, youse ken fit I’m spikken aboot – the diving. Oof min! But it’s nae jist the lassies I’m meaning. Jimmy is man enough tae admit that the male Olympians is pretty impressive too. Some of them is nearly as ripped as Jimmy himsel’.

I wiz fair proud o’ the twa British loons fa took bronze in the synchronised 10 metre event. That Daniel Goodfellow lad and the ither een (fa hiz received nae media attention, peer craiter).

Ye hiv tae admire their bravery – I mean, loupin’ intae the air fae 30 feet, completing een o’ that triple somersaults with reverse pike and rip entry, I’d be feart my trunks come aff fan I hit the watter. Like that time Badger Jamieson shoved me hied first aff the top board at the Bon Accord baths. But seeing that boys in their budgie smugglers hiz left me wi’ one burning, unanswered, question. Far div they pit their locker key?

Kevin Cash, Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips

This week the Internet his been full o’ clips o’ a crash atween a vintage Mercedes and a spleet new Ferrari. The boy in the Merc niver seen the low-slung Ferrari and reversed right ower the top o’ it – jist ootside his opticians! A load of wags have been saying that that wiz an appropriate place for the accident – although I canna help but think that a public lavvie woud hiv been better, cos fan he looked ower his shoo’der and seen fit he’d reversed intae, the backside will have dropped oot o’ the Merc driver’s world! I dinna think there’s a money saving expert in the world will be able to get him a good deal on his car insurance next year.

Overall, though, it wiz nae as bad as it could hiv been. The damage to the Ferrari looked pretty superficial, and naebody wiz hurt – although I winna let that stop me fae pitting in a claim for the whiplash injury I got fae daein’ a double take fan I seen the picters. But if you ever prang yer motor, dinna fork oot for expensive bodywork repairs, jist tak yer car to my pal, Mick the Pill. I ken that technically, he’s a newsagent and confectioner, nae a panel-beater, but he’ll hae the dents oot in nae time wi his wee toffee hammer and he’ll touch up the paintwork wi’ a melted doon sookie sweetie that’s a perfect colour match. At least, until ye run it through the car wash.

Showbiz news with Shelley Shingles (miss Feteresso 1983)

OMG! Don’t you just love it when an evening you were dreading turns into an absolute legend of a party?! That’s what happened to me on Sunday night. I’d been offered some spokes-modeling work down in Montrose as the face of Arbroath Smokies and when I asked my agent what sort of event I was going to, I could have sworn he said it was an evening with Brian Blessed.

Well, when I got down to the Links, it wasn’t the shoutin’ man mountain at all, it was the Groover from Vancouver, Mr Bryan Adams! The gravel-voiced Canadian might be getting on in years but he is still well lush. I might have got a bit carried away rocking out to his big hits like “Summer of 69″, because lots of folk were staring at me. Maybe it was my totes cool dance moves! Or the fact that I was dressed as a kipper.

Of course, me and Bryan go way back. I first met him when he last played the AECC and I was doing some promotional work for the Edinburgh Woollen Mill. I ended up backstage with the paramedics after over-heating in my kilt, twinset, toorie and shawl just as Bryan was headed back on for his encore, so I called out to him “Play ‘Born to Run’!” Bstaring down right over to my stretcher and I’ll never forget what he said to me.

“That’s a Bruce Springsteen song.”

Wise words from a true gent.