P&J Column 10.3.16

Maria’s toughest court appearance may lie ahead.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s performance is never enhanced

These days the papers is sometimes always printing stories about yet another sports star who has failed a drugs test. So much so, in fact, that old Kenny has become desanitised to it. But when I seen that the latest offender was Russian tennis star Maria Champagne-Supernova, my jaw hut the roof.
For once, Old Kenny went and done some research about this story before jumping to any contusions. And I have to say that after finding out what I have finded out about it, I do feel a bit sorry for the lad. She says she’s been taking the drug for 10 years and she never knew that her totally innocent unlicensed Latvian heart-disease medicine had become an inhibited substance. The drug only got banned on New Year’s Day and poor Maria was none the wiser as she hadn’t opened the attachment on her email. I can’t say I blame her. Never mind emails, after a cracking Hogmanay party old Kenny never even opened his curtains on New Year’s Day!
Some folks is saying she should get banned for life, whilst others is saying it’s just an accident but one thing I do know is that ignoramus is no defence in the eyes of the in-laws. It reminds me of my playing days when I was still with the Dons, and Fergie says he was fed up of players turning up for training hungover. To stamp it out he told us he was going to do a urine test the next day. It might be hard for my readers to tell, but old Kenny was never all that any good at tests, so after training I went to calm my nerves with a pint at the White Cockade.
When I got there, I bumped into one of my old Kincorth pals, Kenny Carle. We got chatting and I ended up there til chucking out time. When I told him about my test in the morning, Kenny had a cracking idea. He says to me, he says “Take some of Melody’s with you in a bottle”, which I done. When Fergie got the test results back he comes rushing over to me with a face like a mauchie day at Foveran. I says to him, I says “What’s the problem Gaffer?” And he says to me, he says “Well Kenny, the good news is there wasn’t no alcohol in your system.” “And what’s the bad news?” I says. “The bad news is I can’t play a left back who’s 6 weeks pregnant.”

Struan Metcalfe, MSP for Aberdeenshire North and surrounding Nether Regions.

Good old Boris! You do have to love the Latin-spouting floppy haired man-child.

It turns out BoJo got one of his lackeys to send an email to all of his staff saying that they must not publicly express an opinion on the Brexit question unless it was his one. Basically, everyone who works for him has to support him, or keep their big mouths shut. Then, when Mr Tumble is called out for delivering a diktat of staggering pomposity and hypocrisy (once the email is leaked to the BBC) he immediately blames the lackey who sent it (even though said flunkey was ordered by Boris to send the email in the first place – allegedly). Of course Old Boris hilariously calls it an ‘almighty cock-up’ and everybody laughs and says “Oh, that’s just Boris”.

And that’s what’s so bally irksome. When I do something jolly naughty – like calling my constituents ‘a bunch of incomprehensible tractor botherers’ or giving Annabel Goldie a wedgie – I get firmly reprimanded by Tory Party Central Office and forced to publicly apologise for my actions. Yet the boy Boris does something wrong, he just says something like “oh, well, gosh, I am a silly billy. But I do have adorably chubby fingers and hilarious hair” and everyone just laughs and lets him off with it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a Boris fan (well – in so far as Super Dave will allow it!) but this is the chap who might yet lead the party and as a result, the country. So what can we expect from PM BoJo? “Ah, yes, well, the thing is, ah, yes, I did invade Finland. And that was a jolly rum thing to do and I wont do it again.” or Whoops, I appear to have accidentally spent the entire defence budget on jelly babies. Mea very much culpa, now who’s for a game of whiff whaff?”.