P&J Column 10.11.16


Trump: ”The world is laughing at us”. Well, we’re not laughing now.

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman

Well the waiting is over and finally we have the answer to the question that has been on our lips for months – who is going to open England’s batting in India, alongside Alistair Cook? I jest of course. The Presidential race is over, and, as Trump has triumphed, perhaps the human one, too. But what does the victory mean for us in Aberdeen, the city that gave him an honorary degree then took it away again, plans to stick an offshore windfarm next to his golf course, and howls abuse at him whenever he comes here? Well, I am sure he will shrug it all off for the harmless locker-room banter it was. I am very confident that the Donald is not the kind of man who will bear a grudge. Well, fairly confident. Well, fairly confident. Anyway, just thought you might like to know, for reasons entirely unconnected, I’m off. To take up a new job, as the Official Spokesman for St Kilda Council.

Prof. Hector Schlenk, Senior research fellow at the Bogton Institute

As a scientist, people have of late – well, since yesterday morning actually, been asking me urgent wild-eyed questions, like “Is spray tan a genuine route to success?”, “Am I asleep?”, and “Should I move to Canada?” To which my answers are “apparently”, “hopefully” and “immediately”.

It has been a bad week for science. Or empirical information of any kind, really. However, I have been cogitating on the theory that there is an inverse ratio between the implausibility of a particular political outcome and the likelihood of that outcome coming to fruition, in any year with digits that add up to 9. This theory was formulated between midnight and 8:00 am on Wednesday and fuelled by sleep deprivation, panic and Haribo; and so was possibly not the result of my functioning at my highest level.

In my fugue state, I also couldn’t help but observe the date Americans call 9/11 is the darkest day in their history when the world changed and terror invaded all living rooms. Whereas what we in the UK call 9/11 is …Eureka!

Jock Alexander, star of Mtv (Meiklewartle Television)

Last minute betting on the US election result resulted in a flurry of activity, wi Skittery Willie lumping on big for a certain someone he wouldna name, but said reminded him on Feel Moira, in terms of femininity and intellect. Imagine my surprise to find him standing his hand in the pub last nicht.

Brodie Summer, an American in New Byth

U-S-A! U-S-A! Great job, my fellow Americans. Great job. Whoo! Yeah! Living here in Scotchland, miles away from the home of the brave, I’ve been mighty peeved by the way you Brits have disrespected Donald Trump and the patriots who have supported him, let me tell you.

You guys have got all hot and bothered about boring stuff like human rights, foreign policy and genitalia grabbing. So boring. So boring.

What you are missing is that Trump is a winner. He’s tremendous businessman, a fine diplomat, and a guy you can really trust. So why are you so mean about the true Americans who voted for him?

It’s not like you guys are standing outside the glass house and can throw the Rolling Stones. You voted for Brexit so you must be just as dumb as us. If not dumberer.

Jonathan M Lewis, local head-teacher

It can be nerve wracking, awaiting the outcome of a vote between something unpalatable and something downright abhorrent. What’s worse is when one’s fears are realised and the downright abhorrent option wins – even when it all happens far away, one can soon experience serious repercussions.

I refer, of course, to the parental ballot at Inverlochy Primary School which saw homework being banned in favour of allowing ‘kids to be kids’.This result has already prompted our Union reps to ask me if we can ban homework too, in favour of allowing teachers to have a social life!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, he shoots, he scores!

He done it. Scotland’s very own tennis Braveheart, the Dunblane Dymotape, Andy Murray, has made it to number 1 in the world. Magic. He sealed his place at the top of the treetops when fierce rival Novak Choccy-bics got knocked out in Paris.

Of course, I’ve had my share of experiencing the dizzy hypes of reaching the spinnaker of my sport. Unlike Murray, though, I never knew I’d done what I done when I done it. Brechin v Albion Rovers was just like any other Saturday. Pre-game meal with the lads, warm-up before kick-off, then bang. I got sent off just because some chancer took his chin off my knee. Twice. It wasn’t til later on I learned that my 33rd red card was a new World Record!