P&J Column 1.12.16


A slice of orange with that?

Tanya Souter, local lifestyle correspondent

I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz fair raging this wik fan I heard the news that Princess Beatrice had slashed pop star Ed Sheeran wi’ a sword fan trying’ tae knight James Blunt.  I mean tae say, the peer loon wiznae exactly a stunner tae start wi’, he sings like an angel, but he looks like a hobbit so the last thing he needs is a scar on his coupon. And it wiznae even a real knighthood Eugenie wiz dishing oot tae Blunt – she wiz jist at a perty, haein a laugh!  This select wee gathering of aristos and singer-songwriters wis taking place at Windsor, far Beatrice bides wi’ her dad, Prince Andrew. According tae reports, he wisnae at hame at the time, he wis awa on a trade mission (are they still letting him dae that?).

Noo, I’ve done some mental things efter six bottles o’ Lambrini, but I can honestly say it his niver occurred tae me tae informally ennoble a ‘90’s popstar. Nae even the eens I‘ve met (Mikey fae Boyzone, sneaking a fag oot the backdoor of the Capitol in 1996, I am looking at you, sunshine!). I hiv tae say, that as pranks go, it’s nae exactly a comedy classic. Princess Beatrice has had funnier things on her heid.  But apparently gien fowk fake knighthoods is something’ the younger royals dae at perties, if it iver gets a bittie, boring, ken? As it would efter twa hours of mingling wi’ the rich and famous, eating Ferrero Rocher and listening tae James Blunt.

Hear me; hiv these posh fowk niver heard of Spin The Bottle? All they need tae dae tae liven up their soirees is tae gie me and my pal Big Sonja an invite. We could show them a thing or two. Which, tae be fair, is fit happens faniver we ging til a perty.

Noo da get me wrang, I can sympathise. ‘Cause fan Sonya finds hersel at a do fit isnae exactly catching fire, she does something similar, so it’s probably for the best that the perties we get invited til dinna hae mony swords lying aboot.  But it really is jist one rule for the rich and anither een for Big Sonya, is it? The last time she cut open a ginger boy’s face at a perty, there wis screaming and swearing and ab’dy getting lifted and athing.  But as far as I can see, Beatrice has got awa wi’ it. Ed jist laughed it aff; nae bobbies, nae charges, nae sae much as an ASBO. Big Sonya says the next time we get boozed up at somedee’s hoose, we’ll hae a get-oot-o-jail-free caird if we jist tell fowk that we’re a pair of Duchesses.  Though I da ken fit being fae the Netherlands his got tae dae wi’ it.

Ron Cluny, Aberdeen City Council Spokesman

As regular readers will know, the City Council enjoys a mature and productive relationship with its illustrious Country neighbour.  We are partners, equals, who complement one another perfectly, like ying and yang, fish and chips, or Ant and Dec. We are always delighted, in the public interest, to work together on matters of importance – like Nestrans, the City and Shire Brighter Outlook Campaign and sharing a bus down to Glasgow for a joint fact finding mission at the City Chambers that just happens to coincide with when ‘Still Game Live’ is on at the Hydro.  When we do, we never complain about dubby marks being left on the floor by tackety beets, or make “baa” noises under our breath, and, behind our backs when they think we cant hear them, they never refer to us, as ‘Toon’s dirt’.  So when we read that the Shire’s SNP’s administration had, during a reorganisation of its committees, accidentally voted itself out of power, there was widespread sympathy in the Town House – expressed primarily through the medium of raucous laughter.  It seems to be a matter of Turkeys not so much just voting for Christmas as arranging a Christmas party, handing out the crackers, putting ‘Mistletoe and Wine on the CD Player and then climbing into the oven and stuffing themselves.

I shall be telephoning my counterpart in the Shire this afternoon to offer my condolences.  And also to ask him if he wouldn’t mind communicating the story of how this faux pas came about to me in detail, and also pass it on to senior officials who now find themselves working for Theresa May and Donald Trump.