P & J column for 7.1.13

The Resolutions will not be well-advised.

Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes-Hunte – the 13th Earl of Kinmuck.

The month of January: when the censorious do-gooder, who we so sensibly ignore for the other 11 months of the year, is given unwarranted credence. “What’s your New Years’ resolution?” is the whining enquiry, and coupled with it the encouragement, more or less explicit, depending on the modus operandi of the wet-minded ninny, that you will undertake to spend more frugally, exercise more often, smoke nothing, eat little more, and drink naught but water hand-drawn from organic springs by bearded lentil-botherers. All on the premise that ‘It’s good to change’. Well, to them and you I say; Piffle! Devilled piffle, on well-fired, heavily buttered toast. Change is not good. Change is bad. Change gave us parliamentary democracy, lost us an Empire and means I now have to pay those below-stairs a minimum wage. I want no part of it. So my resolution is simple. “More of the same.” Gout, alcoholism and coronary heart disease have been my family’s birthright since James I was knee-high to a grasshopper. I shall continue to fill the window-washers of my Land Rover with Veuve Cliquot champagne (non-vintage, naturally; using the good stuff would be wasteful. I use that to wash my hair). I shall continue to smoke heavily throughout my waking hours and to have Thomson, my manservant, blow cigar-smoke into my somnolent face while I am at repose. I shall continue to avoid wear and tear on the joints by insisting that I am carried on a litter whenever I wish to visit the further-flung parts of the house. I shall do all this in defiance of our more censorious commentators, secure in the knowledge that the annoyance that my conduct causes them is increasing their blood pressure as much as it is harming my own.

Jimmy Hollywood – Sandilands’ most eligible bachelor

Jimmy hiz over-indulged this festive period. Mair wine, women and song than one lothario can hundle. And that wiz just Christmas Eve at Ma Hollywood’s. A crate of Baby Cham, my twa untys and Singstar on the PlayStation. Oosh. There’s nae point in general resolutions like your gonna get fit (could Jimmy be ony mair fit?), spend mair time with family (if I’m nae with my ladies, I’m with Ma. Sorted), or give up alcohol (aye, right). Ye need to set specific goals. So, for 2013, I am resolving tae niver ging hame fae a night oot at Babylon (or “Babs” for us regulars) withoot a smashing bit of stuff on my airm. Or at the very least, a macaroni pie fae the all-night baker.

Struan Metcalfe – Conservative MSP for Aberdeenshire North-East and Surrounding Nether Regions

My New Year’s resolution is to give something back, to truly make a difference. I am going to personify Super Dave’s “Big Society”. This year, I have resolved to spend time with neglected children – my own.

Tim Bee – the very conscientious objector

I object to being asked to come up with a set of New Year resolutions. But if I had to, then my list would include: 1) Write more letters of objection (to “various”) 2) Pursue my objections through the highest courts in the land, and, in the event that I am ignored, seek vast amounts of compensation under the European Convention on Human Rights. After all, it’s the principle of the thing.

Tanya Soutar – Aberdeen’s foremost style guru

I dinna ken aboot yous, but my liver hisnae recovered from Hogmanay yet, and neither his ma wallet! We hid tickets tae ging tae een of Aiberdeen’s top nightspots (I winna name it, but I will tell you it’s Grrreat!) But fit a price for drink! Four double vodka and diet cokes wis the guts of thirty quid! So I’ve got some New Year’s Resolutions that’ll help cut doon costs on a night oot. First, it’s all aboot front loading. That‘s fan you tak a helluva skite afore you ging oot. If ye tak a trip oot tae Costco ye can get 12 litres of Liebfraumilch for £20! Ideal for a “Ready Brek glow” afore ye hit Espionage. Secondly, cloakroom charges are beyond a joke these days. So dinna worry fit your weather app’s telling ye – leave your jacket at hame. If you’ve stuck to the first resolution, you’ll niver notice. Lastly, ivry girl’s night is improved fan a kind stranger buys ye a drink. But afore fate will smile upon you, you need to pick your target wisely. Young loons with their jeans hingin roon aboot their unkles? Nae chunce. Flash Harrys in suits? Forget it. Sidle up tae that lonely looking aulder gent, the baldy een in the specs, ask him if he kens onything aboot computers, and – kerching! Happy New Year!

Jock Alexander – MTV (Meikle Wartle Television) Personality

This year, my initial Resolution was tae remember fit my New Year’s Resolution was last year. Sadly, efter the hame-brewed nettle and turnip beaujolais at Hogmanay (a cheeky vintage with notes of de-icer and tattie-boggle) the task proved beyond me. This means I have nae idea if I was succesful in sticking tae it or nae. That represents a 50% success rate, a damn sight better than most years. Cheerio!