Crime doesn’t pay, but it’s a great way to reduce Council Tax.

RON CLUNY, Council Spokesman.

The papers, mouthpieces for those who oppose us as they are, have been full of their usual innuendo this week when reporting the theft, from a vulnerable elderly person, of several thousand pounds. The culprit was, as the media have not been slow to point out, an employee of this local authority; the clear inference of this sly and disingenuous piece of reporting being that the Council was somehow to blame. There is no room, on occasions such as this, for equivocation or shades of grey. Let me nail my colours firmly to the mast. I absolutely and unequivocally approve the actions of this individual. This marks the start of the Council’s orchestrated fight-back against the unrealistic funding levels set by central government which are ham-stringing us in our attempts to deliver essential public services. As a central component of a new policy that we are calling ‘Entrepreneurial Funding’, carers will be ‘liberating’ (I dislike the word “stealing”) money from their clients in order to pay for their care packages. And we will not stop there. The St Nicholas Guitar Wifie has been coerced into competing as the token novelty act on this year’s X Factor on our behalf, with all profits from her activities (after Cowell and Louis Walsh have taken their pound of flesh) funding musical instruction in schools. Our city wardens will no longer be content to slap a ticket on an illegally-parked car; they will try its door, nick the stereo and if they can hot-wire it, drive it to a lock-up in Tullos, give it a respray, change the plates and flog it on Gumtree. Some of you may be surprised at our methods. Some may even be shocked. But before you criticise us, ask yourself how else we can keep delivering decent front-line social services in the face of a budget that is cut year after year after year?

View from the Midden with MTv (Meikle Wartle Television) personality JOCK ALEXANDER

It’s been a historical wik in the village. I wiz sad tae hear that the Archaeolink Prehistory Park, near the bustling metropolis of Oyne, is to be declared ‘surplus to requirements’ by Aberdeenshire Cooncil. It’s a sad day indeed, for the attraction that wis eence considered Insch’s answer tae Disney Land. Nivver again will wee kiddies stert greetin fan they don’t see ony teletubbies, or fowk get accosted by over-enthusiastic actors in authentic Bronze Age jimmies. I must say I am baffled fit wye a dynamic historical experience for all the family in the freezin caul and rain didnae catch on. Truly, though, athing has it’s time, and here in Meikle Wartle we hiv oor ain Prehistory Park jist aboot tae open. Feel Moira hiz traced her fem’ly richt back tae a terrifyingly hairy cro-magnon ancestor she found a likeness of in her bathroom mirror. We also hiv a selection of historical artefacts, uncovered through a painstaking archaeological dig of the field ahin’ my hoose, fit happened fan I telt Shifty Billy Wilson aboot the case of Glenn Fiddich I hid beeried there in case of emergencies. But fit treasures were unearthed! A fossilised bike! Going by it’s marking, we hiv reason tae believe it was eence the property of Sir Walter Raleigh. Some roosty cans with photos of attractive women on the side fit dates them back to the Dark Ages, and twa mysterious bitties of string, believed tae be a pair o’ Mesolithic nicky-tams. Fowk in the village are sure it’ll be an attraction tae eclipse even the Sewage Farm, and visitors will be pouring in all summer. Indeed, I can assure ab’dy that given the length o’ the summer, we should have no trouble in equalling Archaeolink’s numbers. Cheerio!

ALEXANDER SANG, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the Licensing Board

The CAMRA beer festival returned to Pittodrie for its annual shindig this wikend and I and my colleagues from the Executive Committee of the Licensing Board duly carried out a surprise site visit at the grand opening to ensure that the venue could cope with the anticipated numbers (they were expecting a few thousand and Pittodrie hasn’t had to accommodate that mony for a filie), check the adequacy of the glassware, and sample the good stuff afore all the beardy-weirdy pot-bellied connoisseurs got stuck in til it. Well we sampled and sampled and not content with sampling, we sampled some more. Hoppy notes and caramel aftertastes awye. Dick said he got hints of shellac from one, but we think that was jist his false teeth dissolving in a 18% barley wine that hid been shipped in fae Ulan Bator. When we were fully satisfied that the people of Aiberdeen weren’t being palmed-off with second rate booze, Doddie very obligingly took a heider doon the stairs, allowing us to test the alertness of the first-aider on call (exemplary) and the response time o’ the emergency services (verra good). All in all, it was an arduous evening’s public service, and I think I speak for the executive committee as a whole when I say I canna wait for the next een.