P& J Column 1.2.18

The Madness of Kingsford.

Once again, the good people of Aberdeen have been falling out with each other over a planning application. I suppose that’s what happens if you don’t have sectarianism. Here some of our regular contributors chuck their 2 pence worth of petrol on to the fire.

‘Cava’ Kenny Cordiner, sports writer.

Stand Free, wherever you may be! After months of deliberating, conjugating and indigestion, the Council has gave the green light to Kingsford stadium!

As a former Don, I’m pleased, but my joy is tingled with sadness. Pittodrie will always be something of a spirit-gum home for me. It was where I got my first top-flight debut. And then, within 10 minutes, my first yellow card, my first red card and my first roasting from Fergie.

Davinia Smythe-Barrett, ordinary mum

We shall overcome! As a resident of the once protected hinterland between Westhill and Kingswells, I’m devastated.

I actually think my public support of the anti-stadium campaign may have been the nail in the coffin. The council planners have it in for me ever since I unleashed my inner Pankhurst over our rejected application for a 4-story extension with a walk-in wine cellar, squash court and state-of-the-art yoga and tai-chi suite. Apparently it wasn’t “in keeping with the existing architecture” of the steading. And now they go and approve this monstrosity? If there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s hypocrisy.

Professor Hector Schlenk, Scientist

As a scientist, I feel it’s my duty to explain some of the terminology being used in this matter. Firstly, there is ’Greenbelt Land’, which refers to an undeveloped green field on the boundary between settlements where development is usually precluded. This is not to be confused of course with a ‘Greenfield Site’, which refers to an undeveloped green field on the boundary between settlements where development is usually precluded until someone high up says ‘Ach, it’ll be fine’.

Jock Alexander, rural correspondent

It wis rare tae see the new stadium get the nod efter the Cooncil took on board views as to the suitability of the site fae an entirely representative cross-section of venture capitalists, AFC Board Members and fitba fans fed up o’ needing tae defrost themsels efter ivery game.

We dinna really follow fitba in the village – Feel Moira prefers rugby, because of the increased opportunities for personal violence, but we did used tae hae wir ain amateur side, the Wartle Wanderers, fa were famed for nil-nil draws against livestock. Unfortunately they eventually lived up to their name at half time in a match against Spartak Durno, fan they wandered intae the bog ahind Feel Moira’s and were niver seen again. Funnily enough, Moira hid pit a fiver on that at 500 tae one. Fit are the chunces?

Archie Fraser, gentleman of the road.

As long-time resident of the mean streets of the city centre – and by night the cardboard box mountain behind the of Kittybrewster retail park- I have to intimate my sadness at this decision. Without a car and finding public transport unaffordable, I will now be denied the match-day experience. I’m disappointed that no longer will I be able to pop into one of the hostelries around the ground to enjoy one or two drinks, left behind as kick-off approached. A stroll to the stadium itself at 5 would frequently gift me a hearty supper in the form of the remnants of a Pittodrie pie, and half a Bovril. On a very good day, I might even acquire a new red and white scarf, discarded in disgust at another 3-nil drubbing from The Hoops.

Struan Metcalfe, MP for Turriff and East Speyside

Well, pull my finger and brace for impact! They’ve only finally gone and done it. We haven’t seen this type of excitement since Len Ironside lost it in the Council Chambers and put Marie Boulton in a figure four leg-lock.

Clearly this decision has all sorts of ramifications. I wasn’t consulted of course but I do retain a keen interest in the old hometown, as does former Aberdonian Michael Gove, who came to my office to discuss it. He was bally confused as he thought Kingsford was ‘Upon Thames’ rather than a field behind the Four Mile Garage. That said, given the hoo and the hah emanating from the sticks, perhaps relocating the stadium to Greater London would have been easier to get through planning!

See the Flying Pigs Live in ‘Now That’s What I Call Methlick’ at His Majesty’s Theatre Aberdeen, June 26th -30th 2018