P&J Column for 12.8.13

Doctored Bats, Ginger Snaps and Political Attacks

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit with the crunching tackle

I am well glad that the football season is back up and running again.  Summer is a confusing time for old Kenny.Other sports sometimes has me scratching my head and burrowing my brow.  Boxing and golf is OK – a dust up in the car park and a round at the beach links after training was very much de rigor mortis when I played for the Dons, so I’m on safe ground there.  But when I get beyond those, I start to get out of my comfort moan.

I seen handball on the telly the other day.  Efter 5 minutes I wiz goin’ nuts.  They wiz blatantly picking up the ball and throwing it.  How baith those teams ended the game wi 11 men I’ll never ken.  But the most confusing of all is cricket.  I cannot get my head astound it.  There’s silly mid-on, deep long legs, BMW and all sorts.  (I know a story aboot long legs and a BMW but the lovely Melody says I’m naeallowed to write it doon!)  And these cricketeers sometimes play for 5 days and it still ends up a draw!  What’s that all about?  Have they not heard of penalty kicks?  Last week there was some news story about players maybe putting tape on their bats to cheat the thermal video replays.  I have absolutely no idea what that means, but my clever mate Frankie Gray says to me, he says “ye’ll need tae mention yon cricket cheatin’ in yer column Kenny”.  So there you go, Frankie.  Never lead it be said that Cava Kenny diznaengage wi the major sporting issues o’ the day

Wednesday night will be a monumentous occasion when Scotland travel to Wembley to take on the Aldi Enemy, England.  I’ll be down there, cheering on the boys as a loyal foot soldier of the Spartan Army.  We haven’t stuck England since 1999 when we beat them 1-0 on their own spoil.  Although we are definitely the wonderdogs I’m hopeful my old pal Gordon Strachan can upset the odds and pull off a smash and grab.  Wee Gogsy’s got a great football brain.  I mind him saying to me once, “Kenny”, he says, “The team that scores the maist goals nearly always wins.”  That’s the sort of tictactical mouse we wiz missing under Craig Levein.  Of course, there has been some famous triumphants for Scotland over the years.  In 1967 we beat them when theywas world champions.  In 1977 we beat them and then ripped up the pitch and tore down the goal posts.  Mind you, I’m nae suggesting we do that again.  I totally and utterly condone violence.

Struan Metcalfe  – MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions

Summer tends to be an absolute whizzo time for politicians. Whilst some MPs and MSPs swan off to their overseas villas or some secluded island retreat in the Caribbean, I prefer to take full use of all the sporting jollies here in the UK, from Wimbledon to the Open, The Ashes to the Meldrum Games.

When not being corporately hospitalised, I still seemed to have found the time to make some mischief this week again. This came as a slight surprise as I had no idea quite how many followers I had on Twitter. Or indeed of the fact that so many of my constituents here in the desolate North East of Scotland actually had internet access, followed me on Twitter and were carrot-tops.

I really am desperately sorry for any upset my recent tweet has caused to a wide selection of the Scottish community:

“Sponsored walk in Edmbra today celebrating Gingers. Keep eyes peeled for Danny Alexander, Prince Harry andBeeker. One is a Muppet. Guess which one I mean. LOL #ginger minger”

I am getting a bit of negative press for that one. Whoopsy.

I have been accused of “Gingerism”. I have been branded as prejudiced and likened to a school ground  bully, picking on those I perceive to be weaker than myself. This is very harsh. As I have said before in previous apologies, I know what it is like to be bullied. I had a torrid time of being bullied at Gordonstoun, let me tell you. If it hadn’t been for Fatty Blenkinsop – who I bullied in turn – my life there would have been dashed un-bearable.

Anyway, after some feedback from Super Dave I am taking this opportunity to right the wrong with some facts about our “Glow in the Dark” brethren rather than cheap jokes on the internet. Scotland is home to one 5th of the world’s gingers – that’s about 650,000 people, which is 13% of the Scottish population. And at least 1.8million of Scots carry a red head gene variant but are unaware of that fact. We should celebrate being Ginger, not shy away from it. So, a message to all those Scots with a black and white Facebook profile picture…you are not fooling anyone. ROFL!

Ron Cluny, Council spokesman

The recent spat between the First Minister and the Council’s own Barney Crockett has been an unseemly affair.  As the spokesman of a cash-strapped authority, I say this to both of these political heavyweights.  Put the mud-slinging behind you.  Resolve your differences by meeting.  Then touch gloves and knock seven bells out of each other.  Early projections indicate that match-up would sell enough tickets to fund the third Don crossing.