The Council elections. Have your say on local government….and a nosey round a primary school

This week’s local elections invove a record number of candidates standing as independents. We provide some of them with an opportunity to get their message across:

DODDIE ESSLEMONT, Radical Independence Campaigner, asks for your vote

In stark contradistinction to the small-beer, cheap rent, vision of independence peddled by a certain well-fed First Minister ourt who I COULD mention but certainly won’t, I, ME, Doddie Esslemont of that ilk, offer you all the real deal.  Where others prpose a referendum on the breaking up of the Union, I actually promise to break up the Union, with a series of explosive charges along the line of Hadrian’s wall, down the Great Glen Fault, up the line of the A90, and along the garden wall that forms the boundary between myself and THAT BALLOON AT NUMBER 20.

No man is an island?  I beg to differ.


TANYA SOUTER, Lifestyle Guru, asks for your vote

I widnae say I’ve eyewiz fancied bein’ a politician – but I think I’ve got fit it takes tae mak a difference.  I’ve nae idea aboot yous, but I’m fed up seein’ wir female cooncillors lookin’ so frumpy!  Yer Jaeger suit might be knockin’ them deid in the planning committee, but yer nae going tae generate much interest in yer hustings if yer covering up yer main electoral assets. Da get me wrang, my grunny sweers by her twinset – but if she tried tae attract the young male vote dressed up like yon, she’d lose her deposit!  And the men are nae better. It’s a choice between baldie mannies in blazers and spotty loons in their first suit fae Slaters. Fit ivery elected chamber needs is a bittie Tanya Souter makeover mugic. So, if elected I’m gan tae bring some much needed glamour tae the cooncil, an’ I’ve got ma canvassin’ outfit back fae the dry cleaners.  I think thigh-high PVC boots, leopard-skin hot pants, an’ a spungly boob-tube will let everyone see fit Tanya his tae offer!


DAVINIA SMYTHE-BARRAT, Ordinary Mum, asks for your vote

I’m sure I’m not the only ordinary mum who has had enough of our ordinary issues being ignored by our local representatives.  Every single day I seethe with rage when dropping Fidel and Emmeline at school.  It’s a nightmare, and not at all safe. Who is responsible for these infernal zig-zag lines that stop me parking the X5 at the door?!  I’m forced to pull over on the only part of the road that doesnt have lines, the zebra crossing.

Obviously, as a lifelong supporter of the underprivileged both here and abroad (We sponsor a little boy in South Africa. It’s only a few pounds a month to us, but what a difference it makes to them. His name is Joost Van Der Beek. Not so little now, as it happens, he’s an engineering consultant.) I was all in favour, in principle, of last year’s public sector strike. It was clearly unjust that the government was forcing a unilateral variation of their terms and conditions of employment. But what they failed to consider is that Wednesday is our recycling day. Our utility room was packed for a fortnight with old copies of the Guardian, empty bottles of fair-trade Peruvian Malbec and Palestinian olive oil. I did consider putting it all into the stables, but Emms would have had an absolute meltdown!

Anyway, vote for Davinia – keeping it real.


JOCK ALEXANDER, Host of Mtv (Meikle Wartle Television) asks for your vote

If elected tae Aiberdeenshire Cooncil, I will dae my damnedest tae rid oor village of the scourge that is motorists, tourists and ither unwanted visitors fae the big city, or as we cry it, Inverurie. They jist get Ethel in the village shoppie a’ raivell’t fan they come in askin’ fer directions tae Auctherless. I propose diverting the funds currently being squandered on education, housing and enviromental services intae oor top-priority infrastructure project; movin’ Meikle Wartle 20 mile further inland. There’s a rare lookin’ blasted heath o’ a place at the fit o’ the Cairngorms fit wid be ideal

We shall also be seeking funding fae the private sector, by attracting the world’s top entripeneers. On that topic, I note Donald Trump has been complainin’ aboot bein’ lured tae Scotland under false pretences. I can confirm that the good folk o’ Meikle Wartle did consult wi him on the feasibility o’ bringing his Golf Course here, and yes, we did attempt tae lure him. Weel, it wiz Feel Moira hersel’ that did the actual lurin’, but I wiz ahin’ a dry-steen dyke, eggin’ her on. Unfotunately it didnae work, he showed nae interest in the raw meat she wis birlin’ aroon her heid. She’ll maybe hae better luck wi’ Richard Branson.


HELENA TORRY, The Union Terrace Gardens One, asks for your vote in her own, distinctive voice:

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And finally, in the interests of political balance, here is a brief statement of the platform of each of the main parties standing in the election.

SNP  “Vote for us, it’s all the other lot’s fault”.

Labour  – “Vote for us, it’s been ages since it was our fault”

Liberal Democrat  – “You’re not going to vote for us, this time, are you? Can’t blame you really.”

Conservative  – “Vote for us, please? Someone? Anyone?”