The average Aberdonian is blissfully contented to the very core of their being. Well, it must be deep, if the faces on the folk on Union Street are anything to go by.

The Office for National Statistics has revealed that Aberdeen is the happiest city in the UK.  We asked some of our regular contributors to tell us what it is about Aberdeen that makes them happy.

SHELLEY SHINGLES – showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983

– I love soap operas and biding in Aiberdeen I’m spoiled for choice.  The Western Peripheral Route saga  has been going longer than Corrie and Third Don Crossing trumps River City every time!

Community Policeman PC BOBBY Constable

 – One thing that a lot of folk have cited as a reason to be cheerful is Aiberdeen’s low crime rate, and I’m very proud to have played my part in that by dint of my skill, diligence and, perhaps maist importantly, only noting down about half the stuff that goes on.

TIM BEE, blogger and very conscientious objector

 – I really object to this type of meaningless survey. We have a ridiculous ethos based upon the pursuit of happiness in this society and for some reason we see contentment as a validation of our lifestyle and well-being. So it is my personal mission to put a stop to anything that might contribute to this ill-thought-out grandstanding in the name of ‘The Common Good’ (Whatever that might be!) So I say “No” to the regeneration of the city centre (which will create road disruption), “No” to live screenings of opera in duthie park (a disgraceful cause of inner city noise pollution) and “No” to the International Youth Festival (bunch of happy clappers stopping the traffic dancing and prancing down our busy streets or crossing the road without looking the correct way. I very nearly missed my train!). We don’t need them and we don’t need the ‘benefits’ they are likely to bring to this great, grey city of ours. No change. Nothing. That’s what makes me happy.

ARCHIE FRASER, Gentleman of the road, currently summering on the benches of Union Street.

– What is it that makes me happy to live in Aberdeen? Well, these days it takes at least two bottles of Thunderbird.

 

KEVIN CASH, money saving expert and king of the grips, on the row over cash payments for tradesmen.

So paying tradesmen cash in hand is “morally wrong” according to Treasury Minister David Gauke.  I’m nae exactly sure how that last name’s supposed to be pronounced, but I’m going to ging wi “gowk” – and gowk by name, gowk by nature.  Sadly the nation’s new moral guardian didna ging on to gie us his views on the ethical implications of using public money to build a duck island, taking cash to ask questions in Parliament or appointing a non-domiciled tax avoider as your party’s Deputy Chairman, so we’re jist going to have to come to our own conclusions on those ones.

Fan I heard fit he said, I wiz fizzing.  I wiz that angry that I dropped my past its best-before date custard slice (bought for 10p jist before Aitken’s closed for the wikend) right onto the discontinued line, sharn-broon tiles on my kitchen fleer.  I’ve nae kint rage like it since I slept through my alarm and missed the start of the Debenhams Blue Cross sale.  This isna jist the biggest case of bare-faced cheek since Richard Griffiths and Christopher Biggins did a synchromised mooner at the BAFTA’s efter-show perty – it’s a direct threat to Aiberdonian culture.  The ‘Casher’ is one of the oldest and maist proud traditions of the North East. There may be Human Rights issues here.  Asking a joiner fae Torry to put a job through the books and pay VAT and income tax on it gings against everything he stands for.  It’s like makin’ a Romany stop travelling and settle doon in a twa bedroomed flat or tellin’ my mate Dave to stop shouting abuse at Chris Moyles fan he comes on the radio. And this is but the thin end of the wedge. If it’s immoral to negotiate a discount with a self employed tradesman roughly, and coincidentally, equal to the current rate of VAT;  what about the ancient North-East tradition of the ‘Homer’? A local tradesman, in full time employment with a business, might while away his free time by doing very reasonably priced work for friends, relatives, and boys who ken a boy who were in the jail with his uncle. He might utilise the skills, and methodologies he has learned from his boss. Along with the works van and a couple of hundred quids worth of materials. Is this now, in some way, ‘wrong’?

I’m so angry aboot the hale thing that I’m willing to pye twa grand to anyone who can give me ony dirt on David Gauke.

Fifteen hunder, for cash.