Meet the new boss, same as the old boss – but slightly better paid and in a nicer office

RON CLUNY, spokesman for a recently elected Councils new ruling administration, responds to those who have criticised it in its first few days.
A great deal of nonsense has been spoken about the decision to award ourselves a 5% payrise.  It is certainly not true to say, as some have done, that it was “the first thing that we did on coming to power.” The first thing we did was send out for Irn Bru, two-dozen butteries and a big box of paracetomol. Coming in from the political cold fairly gives you a thirst, a rumbly tummy and a sair heid. The second thing we did was to change all the locks and stick up a picture of the outgoing Council Leader on the dartboard in the canteen, and the third was to run around the courtyard of the new council HQ humming the theme tune from ‘Chariots of Fire.’ Only then did we turn our attention to the very important question of proper remuneration for the public service that we humbly perform for the greater good. So it was the fourth thing thing we did, and after long and detailed discussion, 5% was the most that we thought we could reasonably get away with.The allegation from our opponents that, in a time of austerity, it is somehow hypocritical for us to award ourselves an increase is nothing more than the kind of smear tactics we’ve come to expect from a feckless bunch of has-beens who didn’t even have the wit to feather their own nests whilst they were in charge.  We are deeply upset by allegations that this is a cynical action which will allow us to immediately improve our standard of living while allowing us the scope to dupe the electorate with a highly-publicised pay freeze just before the next election.  I say this for two reasons.  Firstly, because we were hoping that no one would notice; and secondly, because what our decision really demonstrates is the firm leadership which this city has been lacking for so long.  It shows us to be an administration that is not afraid to make hard decisions, even when they prove to be unpopular, ill advised, or, indeed, undemocratic. And we have shown that we are willing to go to great lengths to follow through on promises: on this occasion, the promise I made to my missus to take her away to Gran Canaria for a fortnight later on in the year.And besides, in these days of the crowded centre, when in policy terms the distinction between the main parties is ever more elusive, our decision to award ourselves such an increase serves the crucially important role of allowing the public to easily differentiate between the different administrations. The last lot were self-serving, heavy-handed and politically inept. No one could ever say that about us.
All the latest entertainment news with showbiz insider SHELLEY SHINGLES (Miss Fetteresso, 1993)Just back from Eurovision! That’s right, your roving reporter has been to Baku this weekend for the greatest show on earth. Did you know, that Baku is not just a short Japanese poem that doesn’t rhyme, it’s also a country in Turkey? Me neither!! Travel fairly broadens the mind!!!I said as much to my great chum Graham Norton when I spotted him up in the broadcasting gallery. He couldnt hear me, though, not through all that glass. And with that security guard in the way. Graham would no doubt have been in his element, with all the beautiful young women that were there. He’s quite the ladies man, you know. And very proud of his Welsh roots!Graham of course, replaced the late Geat Terry Wogan in the commentator’s hot seat. I have to say that I miss Terry’s inimitable style. He and I go way back; I presented him with a giant cheque for £350 from the Fetteresso Young Farmers’ sponsored tattie howk on Children in Need in 1994. I’ll never forget what he said to me:”Thank you”.Wise words, from a true gentleman.Then I had a great chat with a lovely old mannie who told me he’d sold 15 million albums. OMG!! He must have worked in that record shop for a looooong time! I’m afraid I just couldn’t catch his name, (I swear, it sounded like ‘Eggy-bread Hyperlink’) but he’d won a competition or something because they let him have a go at singing. Bless!! Those Eurovisionaries are so thoughtful, they even arranged it so that he could go first, so it didn’t interfere with his bedtime.As I was being escorted out of the competitor’s area by Farid, from security, (it was soooo nice to be looked after like that, my own security man, imagine!!!!) who should I bump into but Jedward!? It wasn’t their fault, they couldn’t see anything for their massive floppy fringes and at the speed I was going, Farid’s reactions just weren’t quck enough. They’re a lovely pair of boys, by the way and so alike. You know, they could be twins!!Eurovision gets a lot of stick, but whatever you think about the acts and the songs, there’s no better way for the people of Europe to get to know more about each other’s lands and cultures. As you’ll know, Sweden came out on top, and will host next year, so I’m fairly looking forward to some fondue and Toblerone!!!