P&J Column for 1.7.13

Graffiti thought to be work of disgruntled council taxpayer – 180,000 suspects in the frame.

J. FERGUS LAMONT, Arts critic and author of ‘John McRuvie – Voice of the People’

I was stunned and delighted as I ambled down Broad Street, deep in cogitation, by the stupendous examples of Modern Urban Street Art decorating our public buildings. Clearly an Aberdonian Banksy is at large. What power! What brio to use, as one’s canvas, Grade A listed buildings. The first graffito, upon the Town House, was the message ‘Weilders of power beware’.  How inspired of the artist, to subtly indicate political maladministration through misspelling. Then it was but a short stroll to see the second message on Marischal College. the even more stunning:  ‘Ye have not yet done what ye ought’. Gracefully constructed to have the appearance of profundity, yet, delightfully, no actual substance whatsoever. I found it both compelling and moving, and a handy reminder to return that copy of ‘Cheryl Cole: My Story’ to the library.

ALEXANDER SANG, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the Licensing Board.

Fan Lap-dancing clubs first made their appearance, I remember saying that they were not the kind of thing that we wanted to see here, in Aberdeen.  Particularly In the city centre, far the CCTV could catch us going in. But times and attitudes change. The news that the Scottish Government is consulting on a proposal to provide licensing authorities with a greater role in the regulation of such establishments his received a warm – one might say, ecstatic – welcome fae the Executive Committee of the Licensing Board. Doddie telt us how much he was looking forward to “looking at” these peer, vulnerable girls – I’m sure he meant, “looking after”.  Dick has a’ready, this last wik, conducted a baseline study of the working conditions in all of the lapdance bars in Aiberdeen, and has undertaken to repeat this study on the first Thursday of every month, fan his wife gings til her Bingo.  For myself, I think it’s a dirty job, but I stand willing to dae it, diligently and rigorously.  My colleagues and I look forward to mony long and rigorous nights of public service.

RON CLUNY, Council Spokesman.

The news that the Council’s awarding of the contract for the redevelopment of Broad Street to Muse is to be judicially reviewed has come as little surprise to us here in the newly-defaced Marischal College.  We live in a cynical and self-regarding age.  Respect for our public institutions stands at an all-time low.  Whether to press their own narrow, self-determined agenda or to advance their private commercial interests, the public and businesses alike never miss an opportunity to have recourse to the law.  I had a dream the other night when I imagined that Tetley had threatened me with a judicial review because I’d decided to make a cuppa using Typhoo tea.  It’s got to stage now that when I go for a pee I half expect some chump with a placard to come rocketing into the khazi and belly-ache on about how I am plainly standing at the wrong urinal.This constant stream of complaint, argument and challenge is wasteful.  It is draining.  It is not the British way.  I urge the people of Aberdeen, and their lawyers in particular, to leave this administration alone.  Give us the freedom to make a hash of things as we see fit, then vote us out so that the next mob can mess things up in their own particular way.  Is this not what local democracy is for?

‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!

Sometimes your old pal Kenny has been called a bit old fashioned – a relic from a bygone area.  But if there is one thing I do not have no time for in modern sport, it is sexualism, and Scottish sport has hut the headlines for good and bad reasons this week with its attitude to women.  Three cheers for Andy Murray, who has said he would stick Selena Williams to a game of tennis.  Most experts is saying Andy is too good for Selena, but he’s still prepared to go to a luxury hotel in Las Vegas to prove it.  But while Andy is flying the flag for sexual quality, Muirfield golf club is bringing Scottish sport’s name into dispute.  Alex Salmond has announced that he’s going to boy-scout the Open because they do not never allow lady members to join their club.  Shocking.  Imagine a golf course in this day and age that doesn’t have lady’s tees!  I never got the chance in my career to not be a male chauvinist towards a fairer sex opponent, but my son Zander did when he made his debut for Port Elphinstone primary’s P6 football team.  They was playing Strathburn who had a lassie up front for them, (and not just one of that loons with long hair and a flappy run, an actual lassie).  Zander was worried at first but he comes over to his Da on the touchline and I says to him, I says ”Son, the proper thing is to treat her the same as every other player on the pitch”. Youse can imagine my pride as I watched him spend the rest of the match kicking lumps out of her.