STRUAN METCALF, MSP – An Apology

Once again, as MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions, I find myself apologising, unreservedly, for recent comments made on Twitter. The views on the independence referendum expressed in my Cognac-fuelled tweet were solely my own and certainly not those of the Scottish Conservative Party. I very much regret tweeting the following last night:
‘Devo Max?’ Sounds like something you’d use to clean the lavatory! Which will come in handy, ’cause Alex Salmond speaks nothing but a load of’. At which point my 140 characters ran out.
Obviously I was joking. I mean, I’ve never cleaned a lavatory in my life. I have a nice Albanian lady who does for me in that regard. I got her name from my good mate Richard “The Hamster” Hammond when we were in London scoofing Baby Eskimos with Michael Winner at my club, Boodle’s.
I am extremely sorry for any inference in my tweet that the SNP’s third option is akin to Toilet Duck. I have utmost respect for the SNP and Alex Salmond. He is a fine politician and First Minister. In many ways he’s like Tennents Lager – no-one will admit to liking it, but by god it sells by the bucket-load.
I also wish to apologise, unreservedly, for the video which I inadvertently uploaded to YouTube on Saturday. Let’s be absolutely clear about this, the depiction of the First Minister and his Deputy as the Krankies should in no way be taken as representative of the views of the Scottish Conservative Party. I know for a fact that Annabel Goldie’s done a photo shop of them as Shrek and Donkey.

Yours aye,

Struan Metcalf, MSP for Aberdeenshire and Surrounding Nether Regions

Mystic psychic LIONEL MAZE, the Derren Brown of Cummings Park Circle, gazes into his crystal ball to predict some unexpected consequences of a ‘Yes’ vote in 2014

1. Coalition Government immigration cap results in forced repatriation of Lulu. And, somewhat to his surprise, Education Secretary Michael Gove.
2. Tartan Army required to extend the same bonhomie and impeccable standards of behaviour to England as to the rest of the world. Disbanded after existential crisis.
3. Scottish towns to be twinned with English counterparts.  When paired with Cumbernauld, Slough demands a rethink.
4. Electoral Commission criticised when a software glitch results in confusion between the first Scottish Presidential Election and the Scottish Slimmers ‘Rear of the Year’ award.   Criticism evaporates when Lorraine Kelly is installed as Head of State.
5. Meryl Streep wins another Oscar for her blistering portrayal of Nicola Sturgeon in biopic “The Irn Bru Lady”.

OUR AIN FOLK – Meet the people who make the North East what it is today. This week, radical independence campaigner, DODDIE ESSLEMONT

If Alec Salmond has his way, 2014 will bring a referendum on dissolving the Union.  Canny operator that he is, Big Eck has chosen the date to coincide with the greatest milestone in Scotland’s struggle against the auld enemy: the 47th anniversary of our victory over the 1966 world-cup winning side at Wembley.  I look forward to marking an emphatic cross in the ‘Yes’ box; unless, of course, the question asked is, “Do you want to retain the Union?” in which case I shall vote ‘No’ and shout, “You can’t trick me, Cameron!” before lifting my kilt and thrusting my nuddy bahoochie in the direction of Downing Street.
But for me, Scottish independence will not be the end, but the first step in a new struggle.  In truth I feel no more kinship to a Glaswegian or a Fifer than to a Scouser or a denizen of the Rhondda Valley. The first day of Scottish independence will mark Day One of my campaign for a devolved Northern Scotland.  Not that this my final objective: I have no desire to be trapped indefinitely in a Parliament comprised of Brochers and Invernesians, saying “right enaff” and yapping on about fish and whisky and marrying your own sister.  No, no. As soon as that Parliament is in session, I will push for Aberdeen to break away and form its own city-state.
Would I then be satisfied? No! I wouldn’t trust our local Councillors to run an independent Aberdeen!  I wouldn’t trust them to run a bath! “But Doddie”, you ask, “If you don’t want an independent Northern Scotland, and you don’t want an independent Aberdeen, what do you want?”  To which I answer: well, I like most of the folk in my street.  Aye, my side of the street, like.  Not the King Street end, obviously, cos there’s some funny ginks up there.  And not Cashie Casson, Beardie Jim or anyone in Big Sheila’s block; none of them are speaking to me after I turned up bleezin at Hogmanay and mistook Alfie Mutch for George Osborne, with predictable consequences. No, I dream of true self-determination. My ultimate aim is to be able to welcome you to the People’s Democratic Republic of 39G Seaton Drive (population: one). Assuming, of course, you’d cleared passport control in the communal lobby. Because the one thing I canna stand is an inabootcomer. Freedom!