Granny’s golden rule for when the clocks change: ‘Spring Roll, Fall Over’. Of course, she was dottled.

TANYA SOUTER – Lifestyle Guru

I da ken aboot yous, but every time the clocks change I get right confused!  Firstly, it happens twice a year. Fit’s that aboot? My Grunny had a rhyme fit telt you fit wye they go each time. “Spring Rolls and Fall Over” she used tae say – no, hud on, that’s nae right –  “Spring Up and Fall Doon”. “Spring Up” means fan they change in the Spring ye hiv tae get “up” in an affa hurry.  “Fall Doon” is fit happens if you’re in a bar with a 2 o’clock licence fan they pit the clocks back, and you end up spending another hour slamming tequilas! My Grunny had a wee saying for athin. “You can’t take it with you” She used to say. Weel, that was rubbish for a start, as she proved the day she cleaned out Granda’s Post Office account and done a shoot to Magaluf.

Secondly, there’s nae doot that the worst bit of the hale jing bang is the scutter of changing all the clocks in the hoose.  That means your alarm clock, your oven, your micro, your video, and all the bairns’ videos.  The tricky bit is working oot fit time tae change them til, since all the clocks are wrang.  I’ve found this phone line called “The Spikkin Clock”.  Ring it up, pit it on speakerphone and then wander aroond the hoose re-setting everything. It’s nae cheap mind, so best to dae it using the mobile of the lad you brought hame fae the Priory

Last of all there’s that anxious moment when you get tae work on Monday morning.  Hiv ye got the change right or hiv you rocked up an hour late?  Or, worse than that, an hour early?!  Never fear, you can use your telly for a safety check.  If  “Everybody Loves Raymond” is on fan your eating your cornflakes, you’ll be fine.  If it’s  “Jeremy Kyle” – you might be a bitty latchy.

If you’re still confused, jist be thankful you dinna bide in America.   The clocks there change fan you ging fae one city tae the next!  Imagine – if you bide in L.A. een of your pals in New York could tell you fit happens in Hollyoaks afore you’ve even watched it. Nightmare!

 

RON CLUNY, local government spokesperson, speaks out in defence of Halloween

It’s Halloween again, the season of jack o’lanterns, dookin for apples, and the Education department being bombarded with letters and phone enquiries from killjoy parents moaning that Halloween celebrations promote their childrens’ interest in the occult.  More arrant nonsense from a public that does not deserve the calibre of local authority what they have got, and who probably have all seven volumes of the Harry Potter trilogy on their bookshelves at home.  But no, no: their childrens’ interest in ghouls and ghosties can’t be anything to do with that or the Twilight saga – blame the Cooncil!

Previous administrations have sought to “accommodate parents’ concerns” and “dampen down” the celebration of Halloween.  Not us.  This administration is committed to ensuring that Halloween remains at the centre of our civic life for generations to come.  Why?  Firstly, it is a long-standing part of our culture, tracing its roots back to the Celtic festival of Samhain.  It is not to be cast aside by the objections of a few loud mouthed weary wullies.  Secondly, it is a festival of the dead, allowing us an opportunity to reflect both on our own mortality and the fine line that separates the quick from the dead.  And finally, it provides us with an unrivalled opportunity to see lovely, glossy photos of all the hot totty from the telly done up as scantily-clad witches and sexy vampires.

 

‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER – The football pundit who kicks back!

It seems like a dark cloud has distended over sport following the recent revolutions about Lance Armstrong. The US Anti-drugs Agency says, they says, it was the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme ever seen in sport. What a shame it is to see that someone who has been an idle to so many has had feet of clay on his pedals all long. I’m no expert, but I always had my suspicions. I mean, it’s one thing to win 7 Tour de Frances, but to do it 40 years after being the first man on the moon? That is mental!  What’s even more mind-blogging is that apparently, although he did all that,  he only had one testimonial. I have got one up on Lance in that respect – I had 2, and they were both massive. One from Longside Juniors and one from Hall Russells

Drugs in sport is a right Dutchy subject. I’m not proud of it, but I once falled foul of performance enhancing substitutes myself. When I was captain of Inverurie Locos we was playing a grunge match against Kintore, and I wasn’t feeling one hundred and ten percent. When the referee wasn’t looking, I quickly touched a wee bit of something to my nose. Sadly, I also touched my eyes so I had to be subbed off. And that was the last time I went near Vicks Vaporub.