‘Rowie’ has been added to the dictionary. Hang on, ‘Rowie’ wasn’t in the dictionary?

Publishers Collins have been inviting the submission of new words for their dictionary from the public at large. Well, it saves them the bother of hiring any actual researchers. The upshot has been the recent addition to the lexicon of English of both the ridiculous (‘amazeballs’) and the sublime (‘rowie’).  But here are a few more newly minted words to keep them going.

McCartneys (məˈkahrt-neys) noun

A sad condition, which causes the sufferer to labour under the misapprehension that, in spite of their advanced years, they continue to be possessed of the same high degree of proficiency in a particular skill that they demonstrated in their youth.  Thus if Craig Brown became convinced that the way to improve the Dons’ defence was to pick himself at right back, he would be suffering from a touch of the McCartneys.  See also “did naebody tell him?” 

Sigh-Tech (sahy-tek) adjective

Descriptive of an eagerly-awaited and relentlessly hyped piece of modern technology (invariably consumer electronic hardware) that, upon its release, turns out to be almost indistinguishable from it’s predecessors.

 “So what do you think of the new iPhone 5?”

“It’s Sigh-tech, I’m afraid. It’s marginally faster when I’m checking Facebook on the lavvy, but that’s about it”

 Furiosity  (fyoor-ee-os-i-tee) noun

A simultaneous feeling of both strong disapproval and shamefully voyeuristic interest in something.

“What do you think about those foreign newspapers printing those topless photos of Kate Middleton?”

“I am choked with furiosity! I think it’s appalling that her privacy was breached in that way. I spent hours on the internet venting my spleen!”

“Did you see the pictures?”

“Oh aye!” 

RON CLUNY, spokesman for the city council, hits back at recent criticism of the administration

True to form, there has been the all-too predictable outcry over this administration’s plan to shut 8 libraries within the city, with the usual suspects lining up to attack our decision as yet more regressive cost-cutting.  Once again, our opponents have missed the point and are taking the public for fools.  Ours is a progressive measure, part of our on-going policy of ensuring that public services are in line with the needs and desires of the modern Aberdonian.  The simple fact of the matter is that the way that young people use libraries is changing.  Times move on.  You or I saw a library as a chance to bury our plooky faces into our monthly selection of sci-fi books while stealing furtive glances from under our lank fringes at the bonny quine from Albyn browsing her way through the music section.  The modern youth is an altogether more sophisticated and go-ahead individual who looks upon a library building as an opportunity to improve his window-breaking skills, set fires and take video footage of himself copulating in the doorway.  Our critics conveniently overlook the fact that our initiative will not prevent any of this from happening; indeed, it may very well make them all easier.  The true issue, therefore, is not why are we making this cut, but why were we spending this money in the first place?  Moreover, the reallocation of funding away from the library budget will help us to allow our young people to break free from the worthless shackles of the ivory tower. Instead of condemning our young people to a university education, we will be able to provide them with a practical training which matches the opportunities which exist in the modern Aberdeen: removing chuddy from Union Street, lap dancing, and fast food home delivery services.  It is a future that inspires me; it should inspire you, too.

Celebrity gossip with our showbiz insider SHELLEY SHINGLES (Miss Fetteresso, 1993)

To New York this week for the US Open (EXCITEMENT! I love Golf!!). Did you know that the Big Apple is not just the name of a book by Roald Dahl about a little boy who makes friends with some creepy-crawlies, it’s also a real place?? In AMERICA!! Me neither!! You learn something new every day!!! I said as much to my great chum Fergie when we bumped into each other at Andy Murray’s press conference. I never got to ask my question (‘Isn’t it about time you got a haircut?’) because Fergie and Sean Connery gatecrashed and took over the whole thing (How rude! Angry face). It’s amazing that Fergie’s done so well, really, as manager of The Manchester United, when you bear in mind that when she married Prince Andrew she was nothing but a ginger-heided ill-tricket pleiter. And as for Sir Sean, it was amazing to see our greatest living Scotsman in the flesh. That’s not something you’d ever see back home!!! The game itself was amaaaazing. With this victory and his Olympic Gold Medal in the cycling, Andy is a shoo-in for Sports Personality of the Year. People always moan about him having a face like a wet weekend in Colpy, but so would you if every time you hit a ball over the fence, some bloke was there trying to hit it back again. Our paths crossed again on the flight back to the UK, and I’ll never forget what he said to me:

“Are you alright in there? You’ve been in for ages.”

Wise words, from a true gent.