STRUAN METCALF, MSP – An Apology

Once again, as MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions, I find myself apologising unreservedly for recent comments made on Twitter which, it would appear, have caused grave offence to my constituents as well as considerable embarrassment to the Conservative Party, my parents (soz Daddy) and, vitally, Super Dave. I absolutely regret tweeting the following on Thursday night:
“Oh no, constituency meeting in Methlick tomorrow. Would rather stick a fork in my eye. Need to pull a sickie!”
Clearly my comments have been taken out of context. My tweet – sent at 3am, whilst at the business end of a particularly robust Châteauneuf Du Pape – was very much meant in jest. However, I appreciate the people of Methlick may not get the joke. Or get this newspaper, as I understand they only read “The Squeak”. But Super Dave says I have to apologise so apologise I must. Unreservedly.
Obviously, I would not want to stick a fork in my eye. That would be madness. I learned that lesson at Gordonstoun when Winker Cockburn pierced his cornea during a frenetic game of ‘Buck Buck’.
I have utmost respect for the people of Methlick, their eyes and their forks. I hope that we can all put this unfortunate episode behind us so that I can focus on the very important business of representing all you Goat-herds, Crofters and Orra Loons at Holyrood.
Yours Aye,
Struan Metcalf, MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions

“CAVA” KENNY CORDINER – The football pundit who kicks back!

I is dead sad to see my old club the Dons lose captain Ricky Foster to the bright lights of Bristol City. A contact of mines at Pittodrie says to me Ricky left the Dandies with a heavy heart. When The Robins first approached Foster he couldn’t choose between the two cities: Bristol has the Old Vic Theatre and the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Aberdeen’s got the Queen Vic pub and the Clifton Road off-licence. My man says what swung it for Ricky was when he visited Bristol the manager took him to see the panto, starring David Hasselhoff. So my message to the Board is this: if we want to attract and keep the top players in the future, we’re going to need to sign a big name with bags of experience for next season. I’m thinking Christopher Biggins.
Ricky’s departure leaves Craig Brown with a tough decision to make. I might drop past Pittodrie to offer him some advice about what it is what makes a good captain. I, myself, only donned the armband on the one occasion. But ask any of the players or spectators who was there (Formartine United v Hall Russell, Grandholm Park 1988) if they never seen the finest display of captaincy they ever seen and they will all say the same thing – yes.
My performance as skipper was so strong the referee decided it was only fair to our opponents if I left the field after 15 minutes. Though I was angry at first, fair play to the official, he was proved correct. Our team lost 6-0, but we was only 2-0 down when I went off. It’s leadership like that what Craig Brown will need to look for.

OUR AIN FOLK – Meet the people who make the North East what it is today. This week, retired Gordon Highlander GEORGE FORBES.

It is now seventeen years since I left Her Majesty’s armed forces with two decades’ distinguished service under my belt and an honourable discharge in my hand. Unlike many ex-servicemen, it was the only discharge I ever experienced. Since re-entering civilian life, with the benefit of rigorous military training, coupled with my own hawk-like vigilance, I have been acting as a specialist security advisor – for a prestigious local Shopping Centre.
I will not name the establishment, for security reasons. Suffice to say I provide “boots on the ground’ surveillance, preventing enemy forces from taking up strategic positions behind the pallets of unclaimed Argos Catalogues. I am the first, last, and only line of defence against the miscreants and libertines who threaten the very stability of our society.
From my unique vantage point (a camouflaged hide, within the Sky TV gondola) I see all, and what is clear to me is that we are, at all times, on the very brink of anarchy. Never was this more apparent than on the first day of the Primark January sale. I saw active service in Rhodesia, (a terrible and implacable foe, the Rhododendron) but nothing prepared me for the sight of womenfolk brawling over the last pair of marked down leopard print harem-pants in a size 16. Note, also, the fall from grace of television’s Anthony Worrall-Thompson. Just last week I might have considered him officer material, but now, transformed by an act of petty larceny, he can only be thought of as a goblin faced cheese pilferer. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about that trolley full of Merlot, Madeley. I’m watching you.
Until next time, stay secure.