That’s summer over – if that’s the right word for three months of freezing fog, howling wind and floods.

TANYA SOUTER – lifestyle guru, on the Autumn trends

I da ken aboot yous, but I’ve been feeling affa caul of late.  The central heating at mines is back up to ‘full’ and I’m preparing to hand over my first born to British Gas fan the bill arrives. It’s nae hass, I wis never that fond of the little radge onywye. And I’m nae saying the weather’s been weet, but on Friday past I seen a mannie with a massive beard gathering twa o’ ivry animal intae a boat.

Noo that the’ nights are drawing in and frosty morning’s is starting, you’ll a’ be needing tae spruce up yer wardrobes a bittie.  Autumn is een o’ my top four seasons so look nae further fer some style tips tae help you stick oot fae the crowd.

First of a’, this season’s ‘must have’ is something retro. Think of Autumn’s big look as mixter-maxter of highlights fae the 40s, to the 70s. And fit could be mair iconic than the classic belted rain coat.? I’d been on the look oot fer the perfect een fer a couple o’ wiks until I clocked it on Setterday fan I wis standing ootside the Crown & Anchor fer a fag.  It wis a wee mannie wis weering it, so I taps him on the shooder an’ asks him far he got it.  He turns roon and tries tae show me the inside label, but the feel gype hid forgotten tae pit his breeks on!  Peer thing, til that moment I hidna realized just fit a caul nicht it wis.

That got me thinking, us lassies also hiv to worry aboot fit wye we can adapt wir usual “night-oot” attire tae suit the cauler evenings.  The answer is simple ladies.  Weer exactly the same outfit you wore for clubbing in Aya Nappa in July, but team it wi’ an additional layer of fake-tan. This autumn, the classic ‘tangerine’ skin tone is considered passé, as darker hues come mair tae the fore. Think teak, walnut or mahogany. There’s a number of excellent products on the market, but I recommend Ronseal’s quick drying woodstain.

Finally, the best wye tae beat the chill fan yer oot on the toon is tae get torn intae the Jaeger bombs!  Efter five o’ them ye canna even tell if yer inside or oot. Ciao!

It’s political conference season, but it wasn’t just the Tories who had their annual shindig last week.

DODDIE ESSLEMONT, Radical Independence campaigner and Chairman, Leader, Treasurer, Chief Whip and Social Convener of the Independence for 39G Seaton Drive Party.

I have just returned from giving my keynote address to the Annual Conference of the Independence for 39G Seaton Drive Party.  This was an important speech, which came at a crucial time in the party’s development.  Last year, sections of the party had been unimpressed by the venue for the conference – a prominent bakers on George Street – and by certain key pledges.  “Yes, we agree that there should be free butteries and Tennent’s Lager for all citizens of 39G Seaton Drive”, said the Treasurer, “but how is this to be funded?”  This led to a spirited defence from the Leader of the Party and fierce allegations of penny-pinching by the Social Convenor before the proprietor of the conference venue, a simple man unversed in the cut and thrust of political debate, asked me to leave his shop. Apparently, me shouting at myself was upsetting the other customers. Radical political ideas can have that effect on the ignorant (I happen to know that in 1922 Trotsky was ejected from the Minsk branch of the Tasty Tattie in almost identical circumstances). In any event, the proprietor of the bakery was insistent, despite my threat to impose sanctions upon the sale of meat and pastry based comestibles when ultimately I am recognised as a sovereign nation.  Truly, there is no reasoning with some people.

Following that farrago, the party spared no expense for this year’s venue – a junior suite in a local dockside hotel, which I had booked for a full three hours.  I spoke – without notes, or a jacket and tie, but with passion and verve – about my vision for an independent 39G Seaton Drive.  One Nation, at ease with itself.  One Nation, with no great disparities between the conditions of the poorest or richest citizen.  One Nation, with one person living in it.

As I concluded, I drew gasps of appreciation from the Party Chairman and the Chief Whip and a thunderous standing ovation broke out which lasted a full 20 minutes and would, I am sure, be still ongoing had a hotel manager not chapped on the door and told me to hop it so fellow who had booked the room for the next half-hour could pop in for a spot of lunch-time adultery.

The conference, then, was a great success.  Greatness is within my grasp. It is time to go back to my scullery, and prepare for Government!