Meikle Wartle is gripped by Olympic fever! Well, better that than Foot and Mouth

VIEW FROM THE MIDDEN – Rural affairs with MTV (Meikle Wartle Television) presenter, JOCK ALEXANDER

Weel michty, fit a rare twa wiks it’s been in the village! Like the rest o’ the country, Meikle Wartle has gone Olympics daft! So taken were we by the hale thing, that we’ve staged oor ain version of the Games. We may not hae London’s money and infrastructure, but we’ve nae shortage o’ wasteland, and wir ain version of the Olympic Spirit. Fit I hiv personally distilled fae olives, vine leaves and greek-style yoghurt.

We hid a grand Opening Ceremony. Feel Moira provided a history of Meikle Wartle through interpretive dance, fae the founding o’ the village richt up tae the modern day wi’ the arrival o’ electricity and Christianity. There wiz concern, fan we tried tae light oor version of the Olympic Cauldron, that the wheel of Jock Stuart’s tractor wisna big enough. But luckily he’d forgotten to tak the wheel aff the tractor first, so the hale thing went up, and by the liberal application o’ reed diesel it’s still burning awa.

Some of the London athletes hiv been getting a bittie boozy eence their events wiz feenished. Many of them hidna hid a drink since Beijing and made feels o’ themsels in the bars and nightclubs o’ the big smoke. Weel, I’m proud to say there’s been nithin like that at the Meikle Wartle Games. All oor competitors were bleezin’ afore they sterted. As a result, in the one hunder meters, a’bdy stotted aff at full pelt in different directions. The gold medal wiz eventually awarderd tae auld Jim Moir fae the Post Office. Or at least it will be fan we find him, because he’s still going noo. I hear he’s roon aboot Wick.

The fitba match wi New Deer went weel, though there wis a wee hitch fan the boys refused tae come oot of the changing rooms because we’d pit up the flag for Old Deer by mistake. Ither highlights included Robbie Aitken winning the Doldie Discus with a record breaking hurl of 50 yards. It wiz fairly one in the eye for the judges, fan it hit one of the judges in the eye. There were some very fast times in the Steeple Chase aroon Jim Barron’s pasture, though they wiz probably helped by the fact that Jim hidna taen his bull oot of the field first. But the greatest celebrations come fan the Miekle Wartle Triathlon, (muck spreading, tattie howking, and lamb neutering) was won by Skittery Willie, fae the piggery at Westerton. Already very much the people’s favourite efter he and Muriel, his prize Tamworth, took Gold in the Mixed Livestock Dressage.

Unfortunately, these terrific results led tae some mutterings aboot cheating, so ab’dy wis tested for performance enhancing substances. And I’m delighted tae report that we all came oot positive for methylated spirits and neeps. So it’s been a level playing field all roond! Which is mair than you can say for wir playing field.

But noo ab’dy‘s knackered, the GP’s run oot o’ paracetemol, and ivery chuntie in the village his been painted gold. All that remains is wir Closing Ceremony. We’ve invited Emeli Sande tae sing the village anthem, ‘The Muckin’ O’ Geordie’s Byre’, backed up by Dizzee Rascal. If they dinna turn up, Feel Moira’s daen it. Still, at least it’s nae the Spice Girls!


‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER – The Football Pundit who kicks back!

I was well chuffed to see Pittodrie so full on “Sell-out Saturday”.  I was lucky enough to be in one of the hospitalised suites, but if I couldn’t of swicked in for nothing like usual I would of definitely paid for my ticket.  What a great idea it was for all the fans to show that we can survive without Rangers.  The Dandies are well prepared for life without them, but there is one key area that has been looked over.  Hatred.  How can SPL fans survive without a club to direct most of their songs and witty banners at?  The bigwigs need to get together and agree which team the other fans are going to hate whilst Rangers are not in the upper itchy loins of Scottish Football.

It’s a shame that Saturday’s game wasn’t quite full to capillary, but selling out Pittodrie is no mean foot.  Only three times in my career have I seen a totally packed house down Merkland Road, and Ross County cannot compete with the big names that pulled in the punters those times: Elton John, Rod Stewart and The Reverend Billy Graham.

In the skylight of my career I did get to play in front of a sell-out crowd when the mighty Longside took on our neighbours Mintlaw FC at Davidson Park in a friendly.  It might of only been 200 people but it still makes the hairs on the neck of your back stand up when every voice in the crowd screams your name.  Sadly, they was all screaming at the ref to send me off, which he done.  Just goes to show that people can buckle in a pressure cooker atmosphere – I mean, if the other boy had been wearing better shin guards he probably wouldn’t of needed that ambulance.