P&J Column for 13/2/12

Love is in the air. Either that or it’s the cabbage soup

JIMMY HOLLYWOOD – The Sandilands Smoothie offers some Valentine’s Day tips.

As a man about town, love guru, and Woodside’s maist eligible bachelor, I’m ayewis being asked the same question. “Hey min, Jimmy Hollywood, how come you is such a winner with the chicks?” Weel, in today’s P&J, I exclusively reveal some of the secrets of my incredible success with the quines to those less fortunate and less handsome than mysel’ (which is, basically, a’bdy). Just follow Jimmy Hollywood’s golden rules and you, too, can hae the woman of yer dreams. Every week.

“How to woo a lady”.

  1. Change yer punts. Daily. Nae exceptions, even on a Sunday.
  2. Niver forget their name. They definitely dinna like that. I once totally blew my chunces of a cheeky snog in the Soul Casino when I kept callin’ Josie – a bonny quinie as I recall – José. Canna think why. That wis the name of a Spanish waiter I met in Magaluf last summer. Weird.
  3. Women love tae imagine they’re stepping out with Crockett fae Miami Vice (THE coolest dude on the planet). So a fake tan, sharp suit and a pair o’ espadrilles is essential. Takin’ yer mate Tubbs fae Tillydrone along on your date is a step too far.
  4. Jimmy Hollywood always makes a quine feel special. So ask her loads of questions. Such as “Div ye like my shirt?” “Should Jimmy get his hair highlighted?” or “Fit’s your favourite thing aboot Jimmy Hollywood?”
  5. Dinna ging too flashy on the first date. Somewye posh – like The Grill or The Rusty Nail – can wait until you’re on a promise. Instead, tak her tae Codona’s for a shottie on the waltzers and yer bit of stuff will be weak at the knees before ye can say “Hey Macarena!”  Just be careful she diznae spew on yer loafers.
  6. If ye hiv tae tak her for a meal and she suggests orderin’ wine, dinna! Stick tae cocktails. They taste like juice and orderin’ them maks you look classy. Plus, she’ll be steamin’ by the time she’s had her soup.
  7. Flooers. Gie her flooers. Daffies fae the Mounthooly Roundaboot are in bloom fae March tae late June. Outside those months, why not nick some Lilies fae ootside een of the florists on George Street?


Dear Donna – relationship advice from DONNA BARNEY, our intense Agony Aunt

In my mony careers as personal shopper, Doctors’ receptionist and freelance make-up artiste, I hiv ayewis been a people person. I see it as my duty to share the benefit of my extensive life experience with as mony peer cr’aters as humanely possible. So, without further a do, let’s wheel oot the losers!

Q: Dear Donna, I’ve finally plucked up the courage to invite a colleague out on a date, but I’m not sure what to wear. There’s not much choice for the plus-sized girl (I’m a healthy size 16). What can I do to make sure I look attractive and alluring?

A: Nae being funny, but that’s nae a wardrobe issue, that’s a job for 10 pints of Stella. Have you thought about taking alang an even fatter freen? You’ll look better by comparison. Failing that, I would recommend een of that crash diets. A while back I’d really let myself go. I wis a helluva size. Nae as big as you, obviously, nae massive, but big, ken? The solution? One word – Ccabbage Soup. Fit a diet! But it’s nae without its side effects. Nae matter foo romantically yer date is progressing, dinna light ony candles.

Q: Dear Donna, I’m due to get married on Valentine’s Day and i’ve been planning the wedding for nearly two years. Now, suddenly, as the big day approaches, I’m getting the jitters. Is this normal? I love my fiance, but how can I be sure that he is ‘the One’?

A: Your nerves is totally normal. And justified, ’cause all men is scum. My first husband, Jason wis a nice as ninepence fan we met, then as soon as we wiz merried he changed. Like that.  Twa month efter the wedding, his idea o’ foreplay wiz taking aff his trackie bottoms. My second, Darren, he wis nae better.  He hid six toes on his left fit. Gads. Niver found oot til we wiz merried. I’d seen him naked before, obviously, it’s jist it wizna his fit I wiz looking at, ken fit I mean?  But on wir wedding night I seen it. Well. I says to him, I says ‘Darren, if you think you’re coming near me wi’ that fit, ye’ve anither think coming!’ Next day, I wis straight doon the court for the divorce papers. But my third, Kevin, he wis ‘The One’. Dinna ask me how I kent, I jist kent. We women hiv an instinct for it.  Kevin hid everything I was looking for in a man. Rippling muscles, a souped up Renault Clio and a massive personality. But tragically he wis taken awa fae me. Oh, but he wiz brave.  He fought so hard. In the end it took four bobbies, an Alsatian and twa tins of CS gas.