Four words which perfectly sum up what the London 2012 Olympics mean for the North of Scotland: “Torch Relay – Expect Delays”

STRUAN METCALFE – MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions

Once again, I find myself compelled to apologise unreservedly for the outlandish – and frankly, out of character – comments I posted on-line last night concerning the carrying of the Olympic Torch between Dinnet and Aboyne this morning. As a famous philosopher once said, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ and I should not have trivialised the experience via the medium of Twitter:

“Crikey, that Cornetto weighed a ton! Last time I held something that big with a flame at the end was in Dinky Dirk’s Happy Cafe in Amsterdam”.

I am so very sorry for any offence caused to the International Olympic Committee, fellow Torch Bearers, and that formidably wonderful Head of all Head Boys, Lord Sebastien of Coe. Bit of a man-crush on old Seb, if honest.

Let me be clear, I appreciate that the flame is a sacred symbol of the Games and I take my role as Torch Bearer incredibly seriously. That’s why I took the decision to fully embrace this most ancient of Greek traditions and run my section in a toga and Jesus sandals. A decision profoundly influenced by both the writings of Socrates and half a bottle of Ouzo.

MTV (Meikle Wartle Television) presenter, JOCK ALEXANDER

Weel, fit like ab’dy! It has been a special week here in Meikle Wartle, thanks to the surprise arrival of the Olympic torch. A surprise, at least, to the organisers fan we forced the relay to take a wee detour through the village by the strategic deployment of Tam Minto’s cattle on the A93, B9119 and A96.

The honour of grabbing a haud of the flame and carrying it through the village went to the person in Meikle Wartle fa looks maist like an Olympian; Feel Moira on account of her uncanny resemblance to a young Geoff Capes. Fit a sicht, as she came thunderin’ doon the high street, pursued by the Metropolitan Police Torch Security Team, bellowing in fit we thocht was triumph, but turned oot to be pain; a wasp having lodged itsel in her gargantuan sports bra. That’s fit caused her tae trip, sending the torch soaring intae the air and landing on the thatched roof of Lily Grant’s Chemist Shop-come-Distillery. I doot the official Opening Ceremony could match the firework display we got! And indeed, as we wait for the conflagration tae subside, we’re verra much looking forward tae the forthcoming Village Rebuilding Ceremony. This will mean many oors ootside in the summer weather, with the happy side effect that we winna hae tae watch ony of the endless Olympics rubbish on TV. Cheerio!

‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER – the football pundit who kicks back!

I will be busting when I take my place in the Torch relay this evening.  Totally busting with pride.  When I look at the list of notable celibates who have also carried it too, like Patrick Kielty, William Iams from off “The Voice” and Jedward, I have to punch myself to be sure I’m not dreaming. I’m carrying the torch from Queen’s Cross to Holburn Junction, a route I often take of an evening, so I’m well known in all of the bars along it.  I asked the Olympics boys if I could pop into The Albyn for a pint with the Torch, but they says to me, they says “no”.  They’re probably right to be cautious.  If I did I might be busting in another way by the time I get to The College.

I was going to tell you about the last time I ran through the streets with a naked flame in my hand, but ever since I got off of all that charges after Enforcer’s Wine Bar in Inverurie mysteriously burned to the ground back in 1994 my brief says I should never tell that story never again.  So I won’t.

TANYA SOUTER – Local Lifestyle Guru

I canna wait til my little bittie o’ the Torch relay!  I’m daein the stretch fae the Haudagain up Anderson Drive. Mind you, fit a time I’ve tae get up – 7.40 a.m. In the morning!  They must have picked the time special for when the roundabout is maist quietest.   It’s a fair hill, the Drive, so I’ll need a’ my energy.  Thankfully there’s a petrol station handy so as soon as I’ve got a start I can nip in there for a Ginster’s. I think fit I’m looking forward to the maist, eence I’ve passed the torch to the next runner, is taking a wee moment tae let the momentous moment sink in, reflect on the prestige and honour fit has been  bestowed upon me and check foo much my torch his fetched on eBay! It’s hoverin’ aboot 5 grand of noo!  But dinna worry, that money’s going tae a good cause. Seeing as the Olympics was their idea, I’m going to use the cash tae dae my bit for the Greek economy. Ayia Napa here I come!