‘Sorry’ seems to be the hardest word. Except for politicians, for them it’s ‘resignation’.

STRUAN METCALF, MSP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions – A (Grudging) Apology

Dear friends, constituents and most importantly, Super Dave. It is, once again, incumbent on me to unreservedly apologise for recent comments made – in the heat of battle, one might say – this time to the Turriff Constabulary (namely one PC Archie Findlater) .
I am relieved to report that my latest outburst was not made on Twitter, but orally – through my very own mouth piece – as I was cycling home on my push-bike (a pretty natty Chris Boardman hybrid, natch! None of your “Boris Bikes” for me), following a visit to the local primary school. As a result, rather than being read and re-tweeted by my several thousand followers, my remarks were heard only by a very small number of my constituents. And their young children. I had cycled through the play-ground when the local plod on duty refused to open the gate and let me ride straight through without having to stop. He made me get off my bike and walk 15 metres round to the parent’s entrance. Un-be-lievable. So I let rip.
In my defence it had been a particularly trying day back at HQ. My new researcher, Lexie Tong-Begg (Apparently, in the modern, caring Tory party I am not allowed to call her ‘Sexy Long-Legs’. It’s poitical correctness gone mad.) is proving a slow-study in the most important areas of political life. Firstly, my sausage sandwich that morning was not the usual Cumberland and a spot of HP, but rather involved an inexplicable square of something called ‘lorne’. Next, having failed to acquire, as requested, a bottle of Chateauneuef De Pape 2010 to accompany luncheon she substituted a can of  Vimto. Finally, she hadn’t sorted out the road tax for my new Land Rover Evoque, so it was sitting idle outside the office; hence the bike. All in all, it’s hardly surprising that I was tipped over the edge.
However, I would gently point out that I did not say the words that have been ascribed to me. I fully accept that my language was…choice. One might say fruity, industrial even. I know that the officer in question, and a number of other witnesses, have described it as a disgusting expletive laden hate-filled tirade of foul-mouthed vitriol and abuse. And I wouldn’t disagree with that. However, I’m at least 51% sure that I did not refer to the constable as a “teuchter”. Most people who know me know I would not use words like that in describing anyone. Even total bumpkins like PC Findlater. Having said that, I must apologise for failing to treat the jobsworth rozzer with the respect he deserved.
“Oi, Hamish McBeth! Do you know who you’re dealing with?” I enquired, after he’d threatened to detain me for a breach of the peace “Yes, Mr Metcalf”, he replied. “and thanks to the Police National Computer I also know who that Landrover parked on double yellows outside your office belongs to. Which is why I’m having it impounded.”

‘CAVA’ KENNY CORDINER – The Football Pundit who kicks back!

I was thanking my lucky charms this weekend because I managed to see the whole of the Ryder Cup.  I didn’t go to Madeira, where they was playing it in the actual flesh – but the lovely Melody was away in Manchester with the girls to see a show with Chris Moyles in, ‘ Superstar? Jesus Christ!’, I think that’s the name of it. Any road, the up-swing was that I got to watch it all on the 50” plasma. It was well exciting. I couldn’t help noticing how good a golfer Rory McGrath has become since he shaved off his beard, and I was surprised to hear Tiger Woods had been left out of the foursome on Saturday. By all accounts he’s had a bit of practice at that sort of thing. I’ll tell you what else though, they fairly picked the right place for it. The course at Madiera is pheremonal, and it’s still daylight there even when it’s well after midnight. Mental.If I had not managed to become a professional athlete, I think I would have liked to have been a golfer.  The boys at Pittodrie thought so too because once I seen someone had wrote up on the wall of the plunge bath “Kenny Cordiner’s had more clubs than Jack Nicklaus ”.  And I am not a loner. A lot of my old pals from the world of Scottish football enjoys 19 holes from time to time. I once played in a pro-am with Alan “Tall-Dark-and” Hansen at Royal Deeside.  He was a great player in his day. There’s not many can say they beat Willie Miller to a 50/50 ball. It is just a pity they was both playing for Scotland at the time. He’s a good golfer too, and I was having an off day. After a well rubbish tee shot on the 5th I says to him, I says “Alan!  What am I doing wrong?”  So he says to me, he says, “You’re standing too close to the ball”.  I shoogled my feets and says “Is that better?” and he says to me, “No Kenny”, he says,  “I meant after you hit it!”