60 years in the same job with no chance of promotion. Mind you, the tied house is a bosker.

This week we find out what the Diamond Jubilee means for some of our regular contributors.

KEVIN CASH – money-saving expert and king of the grips with tips for a cut-price street party.

Nothing swells the heart with patriotic pride mair than a bit of bunting.  But with the cheap stuff coming in at £2 a metre, even the tootiest cul de sac will  lay oot a lot of jubbly on the Jubilee.  The answer?  Keks. Reed, white and blue ladies briefs tied on to a length of dental floss maks a perfect alternative. Lowping ower wa’s to nick them oot of ither folks’ backies gives you a cost-effective cardiovascular workout into the bargain.

You need a bit of bubbly to celebrate ony big occasion, like a Jubilee, Royal Wedding, or passing a paternity test (kids is expensive), but dinna pay silly money for Champagne. I mak my ain celebration fizz, fermented fae dandelions, Lidl’s grape juice and the dregs fae ither folks’ recycling boxes. It’s a sophisticated number, with a pleasing astringency on the palette. But mair than twa will turn the sky turn purple and leave you shivering naked in the stairwell of Chapel Street Car Park.

Folk’ll be needing fed, so fire up the barbeque, but dinna ging ower the top, buying best cuts of this and topside of yon. Ye’re jist going to cremate it, yird it with ketchup and smother it with a Kraft cheese single. So for a cost-effective barbie, it his to be sausages. Get the eens with a lot of gristle, folks can hae hours of fun tryin’ to work oot fit bit of the animal they’re eating.  With a bit of luck, some of yer guests will be vegetarians. They will enjoy ‘foraged foods’, i.e. fitever you can find growing in woodies and lay-bys.  Mind though, wild mushrooms can be dangerous, so do mak sure you try them oot first on somebody ye dinna like.

DAVIE ANNAND – lifelong servant of the Parks and Recreation Department

Many people see nothing of vaule in retaining a Constitutional Monarchy. Well more fool them!  A day away from the pressures of work to spend time with your loved ones (in my case, the regulars and staff of the St Machar Bar) is most welcome. I wish her Majesty many happy returns, and Charles, Wills, Harry and all the rest long, healthy, complicated lives involving as many weddings, births, christenings, coronations and abdications as they can throw at us.

DODDIE ESSLEMONT -Radical Independence Campaigner

Many people are surprised that I am a monarchist.  They think that my own brand of radical independence (in which freedom for Scotland is welcomed as a first step towards my ultimate aim of independence for 39G Seaton Drive) is inconsistent with retaining Her Britanic Majesty as Head of State.  But as is made clear in my manifesto (“Leave Me Alone: The Isolationist Agenda”, available from all good bookshops.  They don’t actually sell it, I just keep nipping in and slipping them onto the shelves when no one is looking), I remain irrevocably wedded to the Queen.  Or would be, if she, the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Duke of Edinburgh would only recognise the legitimacy of the green-crayon marriage certificate saying so, which I possess.

GEORGE FORBES – Secuirty Guard and ex-serviceman.

HRH ER II was, of course, my Commander in Chief when I served in the Gordon Highlanders. A finer body of men never formed ranks. The Gordons are gone now, and I have been re-deployed to civvy street. Here I find lax and slovenly attitudes. Young men in ill-fitting trousers. Young ladies, abroad in the hours of darkness, unchaperoned. And everywhere, field telephones in use by non-essential personnel.

But, while the world goes to hell in a handcart, I am simply grateful to have had the privilege to serve Her Most Gracious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth. One day, she came to inspect the regiment. I, Colour Sergeant Geoge Malachai Forbes, stood to attention on the parade ground; kit, immaculate. Her Majesty moved down the ranks of my platoon, pausing occasionally to compliment a shiny buckle, or admire a perfectly positioned weapon.  I knew that this moment was the culmination, the absolute high-point of both my career and my life. As she drew near to me, my heart raced!  My pride soared!

She did not stop to speak to me.

SHELLEY SHINGLES – showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983

What springs to mind when someone says “the Queen”? For me it’s difficult to pick just one thing that sums up sixty years of service to the nation. But if I had to choose, I’d go for their amazing performance at Live Aid!  Or maybe that video when they all dragged up. LOL!  I was lucky enough to meet the boys once, at an intimate gig they played in Hertfordshire in 1986. Of course, Freddie Mercury was famous for his way with words, and I’ll never forget what he said to me that night:

‘Hello Knebworth!”

Wise words, from a true gent.