Lord Sewel’s greatest shame? He used to be an Aiberdeen Cooncillor.

Cosmo Ludovik Fawkes Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

So, Lord Sewel has been caught in a classic cocaine and call-girls sting.  Call that a scandal? Pah! If only he’d been playing the drums at the same time, the Sun could have gone the whole hog and run the headline “sex and drugs and rock and roll”.  Really, what is this once-proud country coming to when a peer of the realm cannot inhale a Class ‘A’ substance from the bosom of a comely wench, whilst wearing ladies under garments, without being pilloried in the gutter press?  Is this really such a story?  Mankind has been susceptible to temptation since time immemorial.  I should know.  My family have made a packet off it.  My illustrious forebear, the 6th Earl, greatly enhanced the family fortune by opening a string of bordellos in Paris in the 1800s, while the 8th Earl’s opium trading allowed us to buy Midmar and the greater part of Burma.  Then there was the small business of the resulting war with China, which was also a boon, as it really kick-started our munitions business!

The story, then, is that Lord Sewel is a fool, and a man, which is essentially to say the same thing.  Mind you, there is one aspect of the whole affair that is entirely reprehensible and brings into question the whole concept of ‘Life Peers’.  His alleged use of a five pound note for the purpose of snorting the Bolivian marching powder is the action of a gauche arriviste.  No hereditary Peer worth his ermine would have used anything smaller than a £50.

Tim Bee, the conscientious objector

Dear Sir,

To my absolute horror it transpires that, not content with digging up the roads in the Schoolhill area and causing a good deal of highly objectionable disruption to the traffic, the workmen deployed in this ruination of city streets have discovered a medieval burial ground right in front of Robert Gordon’s College. Now, whilst I have always said that private education is an anachronistic institution belonging to a bygone era of ‘haves and have-nots’, I feel it behooves me, as a public spirited citizen, to object to the chaos this discovery will doubtless bring; not just to floppy-haired blazered pubescents, but also to the regular, ordinary Aberdonian, like you and, rather more importantly, I.

That little laney bit in front of the Art Gallery and Gordon’s is a crucial resource for Aberdeen motorists. A last chance to change direction before one is sucked into the maelstrom of Upperkirkgate and Berry Street. Where now will the ‘Yummy Mummies’ in their 4x4s create mayhem, as they drop off their little darlings? Outside the George Street Cash Converters? And where now will a dutiful husband collect his other half after shopping on a Saturday afternoon, so as to avoid the council’s exorbitant parking charges?

We are told that these are likely to be the remains of members of Aberdeen’s most prominent 13th Century families. Well, really, if that is the case then it beggars belief that their relatives have gone out of their way to bury them in a popular city centre thoroughfare. Selfish to say the least.

The City Fathers really must provide clear information on how much upheaval they feel is justified by this archaeological discovery. What are we really going to learn from a load of ancient fossils from a bygone era? Not that much. And I don’t think the skeletons will tell us anything either.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who was drawn from pot 1

When old Kenny seen the groups for the World Cup qualifiers you could have knocked me down with the weather! Scotland got a sweet draw, and not just because we is in with the Malteasers. Gordon Strachan’s men are also in the same group as England which means they get the Auld Enema not once, but two times. Brutal.

It’ll be mental when we stick them English at Wembley, though.  The hysterical bad blood between the teams means the form book goes out the window-box, all bets is off, and only a fool would try to predict the result. Which is why I’m sticking a grand on it being a draw.

We also have to play Slovakia, Lithuania and Slovenia. Now, I’m no expert on geometry, so I asked my pal Dunter Duncan whereabouts that countries was, and he says to me, he says, ‘They is all baltic states’. So wherever they is, we’ll need to wrap up warm for the away games.

See us live next year in ‘Dreich Encounter’ at HMT Aberdeen