Man with scythe required: must be tall, Poldark and handsome.

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands Most Eligible Bachelor

I canna stand the run up to a General Election. There’s nithin’ on TV but reed faced MP-types shouting ower each other, banging on aboot getting rid o’ Trident. I think it wid be a shame, ‘cos as chuddy goes, it’s nae bad. The lads at Wrigleys will be laughin’ a the wye tae the bank if Sturgeon gets her wye. But wi’ aa these debates on the gogglebox, you’ll end up watching jist aboot onything as an alternative. Ma Hollywood hiz fair gotten intae ‘Poldark’. She says it is visually stunning. I dinna ken if she’s spikken aboot the beautiful Cornish vistas or the boy in it, fa’s like a cross between Dick Turpin and David Hasselhoff in ‘Baywatch’ – and fa keeps getting his kit aff and his scythe oot.

Of course, ‘topless gairdening’ is a historically proven winner wi’ the chicks, so yesterday I thought I’d tak a leaf oot o’ Poldark’s book. Fit a palaver. First of all, could I find a scythe onywye? I tried Dobbies; hopeless. B&Q? They were nae better. Eventually I hid tae ging aa the wye doon tae the Lewis Grassic Gibbon Centre and chore een fae the Sunset Song display. Then I whipped aff my pastel pink singlet and suit jaicket wi’ the sleeves rolled up and started flinging my scythe aroon like Morrissey wi’ thon daffoldils on ‘Top o’ the Pops’.  And that’s how I came tae be detained for public indecency and possession of an offensive weapon.

It wis a fair cop. So I chatted her up, she let me aff, and we’ve a date on Friday. Cheers, Poldark!

Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman

The ongoing uncertainty over the price of oil continues to cast a pall of over the city, but for all that,
there has been no shortage of good news recently. The sun is high in the sky; Piers Morgan has again been questioned over phone hacking, raising real hopes that, even if he can’t be prosecuted for presenting Life Stories, he might still get what is coming to him; and now we hear that, with the
continued growth of Aberdeen airport, there are to be direct flights from Aberdeen to Las Palmas, Gran Canaria.

This is the best news of all. For too long, too many Aberdonians in search of summer sun have had to fly from other Scottish airports, wasting time, money and leading to the need for painful inoculations. Now, at last, they will be able to depart direct from this fair city. Great news for them, and great news, too, for the local economy. I am sure that taxi drivers, airport lager sellers and suppliers of aftersun, pepto-bismol and morning after pills will join me in raising a glass and saying “Salud!” to this welcome new development!

Of course, the local authority doesn’t claim the credit for the instution of the service, but without us, would there have been the same demand from people who want to get as far away from Aberdeen as possible?

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who has never written a letter to anybody.

I thought I’d seen it all when I seen a linesman what was not a linesman, but a lines woman. But the SFA’s decision to hand Inverness defender Josh Meekings a cup-final ban for handball really does take the pritt-stick.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against players getting punished for things what they done what the ref missed; but only for the really bad ones like ‘Stimulation’ (which is the modren name for diving) or ‘Unsportsman’s bar conduct’ (which is halfing somebody with both feet).

But where will the SFA draw the line? When I played for my school team, our PE teacher told us to
shout “Kincorth’s ball” every time it went out for a throw-in, even if you’d leathered it into the car park and there wasn’t no other players within 30 feet of you. Now all it needs is for Harlaw’s old coach to send the SFA a postcard and I could be punished, rhetorically.

If Meekings can’t play in the cup-final it would be a terrible mascara of justice. He has got a chance
to appeal the decision, so I’ll be crossing my fingers that common sense will prevail and he’ll get his ban upturned. Mind you, he’d better make sure he’s not wearing a short sleeved shirt or they’ll see the big red ball mark on his arm!