P&J Column 19.7.18

Michty, fit a heat!

View from the midden with Meikle Wartle Televisions’ Jock Alexander

It’s been a sweltering wik in the village, as Meiklewartle his been assailed by the same heatwave affecting the rest of the country. Files some fowk delight in het weather, their serotonin levels soaring as they ging on picnics, play frisbee, and indulge in a myriad o’ healthy pursuits; I’ve been fair puggled, sat in the kitchen in ma lang-johns, resting ma heed in the fridge. Nae been fine for me, and nae fine for my postie who cam in the back door wi’ my Littlewoods catalogue, took one look at me on the fleer in ma smalls, and swiftly fled. I da blame her. Ootside, the beasts sleep a’ day, the crops hiv wilted, and the midden is fizzing gently in the heat.
I am noo craving a return tae wir regulr North-East summer climate of howling gales and sleet. But in ither parts of the country the dry conditions hiv been been revealing sites of archaeological interest. Wi’ surface vegetation drying oot, aerial images are showing outlines of ancient structures fit have been hidden for decades, if nae centuries. So we’ve hid Roman forts in England, megalithic tombs in Wales, and a “ghost garden” at a country hoose in Lancashire. Weel, onything they can hae in the rest of the country is fair game fer Meikle Wartle, and only yesterday, Feel Moira launched a drone in the hope of finding the ootline of something interesting. I wiz amazed tae hear this, partly as Moira his nae interest in archaeology, but maistly as she disnae hae a drone. Fit she dis hae, it turns oot, is a digital camera, a massive bunch o’ helium balloons liberated fae the Co-opie in Inverurie, and only a passing acquaintance wi’ the laws o’ physics. So off she floats, snapping as she goes. I pity the pilot o’ the flight fae Kirkwall fit passed her at 20,000 feet. How is he gaan tae explain that tae air traffic control at Dyce? Predictably, Moira niver found nithin’ of interest, but gravity reasserted itself jist as she wis floating ower the village square; so at least there is noo an unusual ootline for folk tae look at. Cheerio!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who had panama in the sweeper.

Well, I guess the curtains has been drawed on another World Cup. And what a tourniquet it was! Now that the crust has settled, here’s Old Kenny’s views on who was the winners and losers during the greatest show unearthed:

Winner: France. Howay they blues! Howay they blues! That’s what’s the fans was chanting, and who can blame them? C’est magna feet, Hooky street, as they say in Paris!

Loser: Germany. They maybe experts at reserving sun loungers, but the Germans was useless at defending their title. They got stuffed by Mexico and South Korea and didn’t even make it out of the groups. Don’t mention the VAR! Melody told me to write that bit, I’m not sure why.

Winner: Harry Kane. The England skipper got the Golden Boot and has made a name for himself himself on the world stage. Not bad going for 2 tap ins, 3 pens and a fluke. I still don’t understand why they didn’t not give it to the lad Owen Goals – according to my wallchart, he got 12, and all for different teams!

Loser: Neymar. The Brazilian lad must have gotten his wires cross-eyed when he turned up. He thought he was up against Tom Daley in the diving. He never got given a penalalty, but he might get a BAFTA. There’s nopace in the modern game for stimulation like that. Mind you, I never minded playing against fakers like Neymar, because after a few bits of therapeutics, the ref took no notice when I hoovered them ten feet in the air.

Winner: Russia. Before the World Cup everyone was saying it was a right dodgy country where the regime was corrupt, dissent was cracked down upon and the society was intolerant to minorities. Well, that’s what I cut and pasted off the Guardian website, at any road. But now everyone has seed that its actually a brilliant place, even Donald Trumpet says so, and he is a well known divot. Plus, as anyone who happened to be in an IKEA after England beat Sweden in the quarters seen, people in green-houses shouldn’t roll  stones.